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This afternoon I feel good. It helps that I woke from a delicious dream of Tex, Devon and East, rather than my usual nightmares. I smile to myself as I hum and get dressed. I feel lighter today. I enjoyed my shower, I left the door open a little wider than normal, but Tex didn’t peek at all. I pout at that, but I’m not sad really. I can hardly expect Tex to fancy me.
I think back over the dream and catch sight of myself in the mirror. I don’t look at my body, ever, but my face I can stand. They made sure not to mess with my face when I was taken…but I try not to think about that when I’m awake and have a choice. When I sleep, I’m a slave to Memory – and she’s a bigger bitch than Karma as Tex would often say when we were growing up.
My cheeks are flushed, and my eyes look a little brighter than they have in a long time. My lips are actually curving upwards – without any of the guys around. I usually only smile for them, and it normally takes a lot of effort on my part. Not today. Today I just feel like smiling.
In my dream, the guys were more than just my protectors...I blush, imagining.
And then my face falls.
Darkness always intrudes on my light.
The guys are the purest, brightest, most blinding light in my life. My guardian angels. And still my darkness threatens to taint them.
“Are you ready, cariño?” Tex asks, appearing at my door. I try to plaster a smile back on my face for him, but I didn’t even notice that I’m crying. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he asks, rushing to scoop me into his warm embrace. He soothes me by stroking my hair and I snuggle into his touch, purring.
I love Tex. I love all of the guys. But I especially love how Tex looks all sweet and innocent on the surface, but is covered in bad-boy tattoos. It makes me laugh inside because he’s not dark or bad at all. On the other hand, I don’t have any tattoos, and my soul is as black as they come.
Why else would I be having...bad thoughts about the three of them when they’ve done nothing but take care of me since the day we met? No, I’m sure that Fate saw how stained my soul is and she sent those men to punish me.
How fucked up is it that even after all the things that were done to me, I want to do those things with Texas, Easton and Devon?
Ha. I brighten. Their initials spell ted. I giggle and tell Tex as much when he asks why I’m laughing. He gives me a brilliant white smile, approving of my sudden change in mood and asks me again if I’m ready to go.
Am I? I want to – I really do – but those bad men are still out there. I know Tex will protect me, that they’ll never get to me ever again, but…
“Hey, cariño, there’s no pressure. It’s a lovely afternoon, we can go sit on the roof in the sun if you’d prefer.”
I wonder if East and Devon would be so kind to me? Tex always wants to make me happy, when I think maybe I need someone to stand up to me. I’d go outside if he asked me to, but he’s making it my choice. And I’m chicken.
“N-no...l-l-let’s g-g-go.” I cringe, hating that my stutter reveals how terrified I am. I’m trembling from head to toe. I hate myself for it. Who can’t even go for a walk around the block in broad daylight? I’m pathetic. I drop my chin to my chest.
“Stop that,” Tex chastises softly. He reaches out and cups my chin, gently forcing my head back up to meet his gaze. His beautiful, intelligent onyx eyes ensnare me, and I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to. I don’t understand how his eyes can pierce my soul, yet he still seems oblivious to my two biggest secrets: the evil inside of me, and the love I have for him. And Devon. And Easton. I’m not normal.
“Let’s go outside.” I take a deep breath and push all the darkness deep, deep down inside of me. “Just a really quick stroll around the block.”
“Deal.” He grabs my hand and pulls me towards the door before I can change my mind again. We take the stairs, because I don’t like any small, enclosed spaces anymore – especially metal cages like lifts – and we’re out on the street before I can prepare myself.
I stumble to a stop and squeeze Tex’s hand harder.
“Okay?” He studies me carefully.
“I...it’s...wow.” I struggle to find words. And then I cringe, feeling like a total moron. I’m twenty for goodness’ sake! I shouldn’t be tearing up at the sight of a butterfly on a summer’s day. Anyone would think I’ve never been outside before, not that it’s just been...how long has it been? I frown.
“Don’t worry, cariño.” Tex reassures me by squeezing my hand. He always seems to read my mind and make me feel better. It’s a relief that I can stand his touch – the others’ too – if I couldn’t, that would have well and truly broken me.
“Let’s do t-this.” I shake a little on the last word, but I’m proud of how much stronger I sound. I keep my hand tucked in Tex’s and let him begin to walk me around the block. Across the road from our flat is a park that we used to go to all the time. It has a large lake, and everyone swims there in the summer – despite the signs saying not to. I used to tease the guys for doing it because it was the only bad blemish on their otherwise perfect records. But I can’t go into the park today. I don’t want to be anywhere near that water.
Thankfully, Tex knows this and leads me in the opposite direction, just walking around the half a dozen blocks of flats that line our side of the street. The sun on my skin feels amazing, and I sigh in contentment. It almost makes me forget why I’ve not been outside in so long. Almost.
“Good?”
“So good,” I moan softly, stopping to close my eyes and bask in the warm rays. “Is summer nearly over?” I ask. I lose track of days. I don’t have such good concentration anymore.
“It’s barely even begun yet, cariño, so we can have some more walks like this. Or there’s always the roof. I think we could fit a lounger up there for you to stretch out on.”
I smile at his suggestion. It’s silly how I don’t like small spaces, but I can’t handle being out in the open either. I like the privacy of the roof, knowing I’m tucked away safe and can’t be found, but I panic about being lost again if the guys are out of sight. I’m trying to work through all the confusing contradictions in my head, but mostly I just have to take each day an hour at a time.
“What would you like to do now?” Tex asks as we re-approach our building.
