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Gray didn’t answer him but Luke could tell he was mulling over Luke’s words. “How come you don’t want people to know what you’re going through?”
“In the beginning I didn’t want to deal with the stigma of it, you know? I mean, testicular cancer – the treatment is pretty obvious. Sure, a lot of people would have been supportive but they would have looked at me differently – like I was half a man. And I didn’t want to deal with the questions. But then when I found out it was in my liver, I was terrified that the public would expect me to be some kind of role model or something.”
“Why does that scare you?” Luke asked.
“People need their role models to be strong and accepting and know all the right things to say. I’m scared shitless and all I want to do is yell at the top of my lungs that I don’t want to die.”
When Gray’s voice cracked, Luke put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him to his chest. There were no harsh sobs this time but Luke could feel moisture seeping through his shirt where Gray’s head was pressed up against his heart and Gray’s fingers were biting into his sides.
Luke wished he could find the right words to say, but everything that entered his mind seemed trite and as much as he wanted to tell Gray he’d be okay, it was a promise he just couldn’t make. So instead, he just placed his free hand over the back of Gray’s neck and held him so that the other man would know that he wasn’t alone anymore.
* * *
Gray swallowed hard just before knocking on the door. He wasn’t surprised when it opened within seconds since he’d asked Dane if it was okay if he came over. But it wasn’t Dane who answered.
Jax was holding Emma in his arms but anything he might have been about to say died a quick death and he just stared at Gray in horror. It sucked to have to stand there as Jax tried to register what he was seeing but Gray knew it was a lot to take in – there were times when he no longer recognized himself in the mirror. While the cotton cap he’d bought from the specialized cancer shop at the hospital earlier in the week covered most of his head, there was no way to hide his missing eyebrows. Add in his pale skin and weight loss and he knew he was barely recognizable.
“Gray,” Jax managed to whisper and then he was stepping back to let Gray enter.
“Hey,” Gray said as he stepped inside. “Thanks for letting me come over so early.”
“Yeah…it’s no problem,” Jax said and Gray would have enjoyed how flustered the man was if he hadn’t seen the dreaded pity in his eyes too. Luckily, Emma chose that moment to extend her arms towards him.
“Can I?” Gray asked.
“Of course,” Jax quickly said and handed the baby over. Emma wriggled in his arms as her chubby hands began patting his face and Gray couldn’t help but smile. She reached up and began playing with the cap and Gray figured it was as good a time as any to bite the bullet so he pulled the cap off his head and handed it to her.
The sound of something breaking had Gray jerking his gaze to the right. In the doorway leading to the kitchen stood Dane with a very unbalanced tray in his hands. There were two cups still on it as well as what Gray could only assume were containers for sugar and cream. A third cup lay in pieces at Dane’s feet. Gray was about to say something when Jax darted to Dane’s side and rescued the tray before the rest of the contents hit the floor.
“Gray,” Dane whispered just before he put his hand over his mouth. Then he was surging forward and dragging Gray into his arms.
“I’m okay, Dane,” he whispered against Dane’s ear as he heard a strangled cry leave Dane’s lips. Luke had been right – how had Gray not seen that these men cared about him?
Dane nodded against him and then said, “Why don’t you take Emma into the living room? I’m just going to help Jax clean up,” Dane managed to get out. Gray suspected the man also needed a moment to get himself together because Dane quickly turned away from him and wiped at his face.
Gray carried Emma into the living room and sat in one of the arm chairs and balanced the little girl on his lap. He used the cap to play peek a boo with her and couldn’t help but smile when she giggled every time he did it. Several minutes passed before her fathers joined them. Jax was carrying the tray and Dane was right behind him with the coffee pot. Neither man made a move to take the baby from him as they settled down on the couch. The sight of Jax lacing his fingers through Dane’s left such a longing in Gray’s soul that he actually had to tear his eyes away. How many times had he been sitting next to Luke in the last week and wished he could touch him like that? Whether they were watching TV or sitting on their log by the creek, Gray always found himself wanting just a little more than just the quiet strength that Luke exuded.
“So yeah, I have cancer,” Gray finally said since neither man seemed capable of speech. “God, that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud,” he said softly as he bounced Emma on his knee.
Dane managed to recover first. “How long?”
“I was diagnosed a couple of months ago. Testicular cancer,” he added. “It’s spread but my doctors are hopeful that chemo will do the trick.”
“What can we do, Gray?” Jax asked. The question came as a surprise since he’d expected to get the third degree about not telling them sooner.
“I’m good right now, but I’ll let you know.” He shifted his gaze to Dane. “Thank you for what you did. Luke told me what you risked...I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten.”
“I’m glad he was there,” Dane said. “Dehydration can get really bad, really fast.”
Gray nodded. He had no doubt that Luke had likely saved his life because he’d been too out of it to realize the danger he’d been in.
“Do you need any more saline?” Dane asked.
“No, I don’t think so. I had a treatment a couple of days ago and the fluids helped me get back on my feet pretty quickly. Luke also found some foods and drinks that I can tolerate. I have one more treatment next week and I think he said you gave him enough to get me through that.”
“Do you need a ride to your treatment?” Jax asked.
Gray shook his head. “Luke is taking me.” It was something he and Luke had argued about especially since Luke had insisted on accompanying him into the hospital for the actual treatment. Even with the private room and limited staff treating him, Gray had still been on edge the entire time that someone would recognize Luke. Not that there’d be any reason that they would since Gray had been monitoring the headlines and hadn’t seen any stories about a man fitting Luke’s description. He’d been tempted on more than one occasion to do an Internet search on Luke’s name and Fort Benning where Luke was stationed to see what came up but it had been a line he just didn’t want to cross. He trusted Luke and wanted the man to trust him.
