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“I know that,” he said as he reached out to cup my cheek.
I didn’t believe him, but I kept that to myself. My actions fifteen months ago had ensured he’d never trust anything I ever said again.
“Sorry about the car,” I murmured.
“Fuck, Beck, your father and I don’t give a shit about the car,” he said, his voice as close to angry as I suspected he was going to let it get. It was something else that had changed in the last year and a half – both my parents walked on eggshells around me, even if they were upset about something I’d done like when I’d been caught drinking at school earlier this year. Neither of them had ever been the type to yell and scream when they were angry, but they’d always been firm and made sure the discipline fit the crime. Now when they were displeased with my behavior, there was always a thread of uncertainty in their voices as they spoke…like they were afraid they were going to somehow set me off. After I’d been caught drinking, they’d taken away my car and put a ban on electronics for a week which had left me with little to do but help around the house and spend time in my room working on homework or reading. None of that had really been an issue for me. What had bothered me was the fact that they’d changed their schedules for that entire week so that one of them was home with me the whole time when I wasn’t at school…and not because they wanted to make sure I didn’t break the rules of their punishment.
No, they’d been afraid that I’d try to kill myself again simply because they’d grounded me. They’d been subtle about the whole thing as they’d knocked on my door every twenty minutes, but a guy only needed to be asked if he was hungry or thirsty or needed anything so many times before the motives behind the endless interruptions became clear.
“When can I get out of here?” I asked as I glanced at the IV in my arm and the device on my finger that tracked my heart beat.
“They’ll discharge you this afternoon. We’ll stay with Jax and Dane for a few days so you can rest and then we’ll fly home. Jax said he’d bring your car out to Seattle when it’s fixed.”
“Wait, what? Home?” I tried to sit up, but my father held me down by the shoulder and instead used the controls on the bed to lift the head of it. “I thought I was staying for the summer.”
“Your father and I think it might be a good idea for you to spend the summer at home.”
Frustration went through me. It wasn’t that I wanted to stay in Dare – the exact opposite actually, considering staying meant I’d likely be working with Quinn on a daily basis. No, I was motivated by a whole other set of reasons, only one of which I could give voice to.
“You said you believed me,” I said softly.
My father’s eyes shifted to me briefly and then he sat back down in the chair. His big hand settled on my outer wrist. “That call, Beck,” he whispered. “That fucking call you get that your kid is hurt…”
His voice dropped off and I had to look away from him. He was the strongest man I’d ever met and yet I’d shattered him with one selfish decision.
“So this is what it’s going to be like?” I asked. “You’re going to try to keep me in some bubble for the rest of my life?”
Fuck, what would he do if he found out that I was no safer in that bubble than I’d been in the years I’d lived with two drug addicts who’d also happened to call themselves my parents or when I’d resorted to selling my body for enough money to keep food on the table for what was left of my family?
My father didn’t answer me and I guessed it was because he didn’t really have a good answer. “I need this,” I said softly. I waited until he looked up at me before saying, “Youneed this.”
“No,” he said, but there was uncertainty in his voice. He didn’twantto need a break from me, but he did all the same. Between the inherent worry both my fathers would always have when it came to me, whether I was physically with them or not, along with the challenges that came with the arrival of newborn twins, both men were stretched thin. It was why I hadn’t fought the suggestion to spend the summer in Dare. It was an escape for me and it gave my fathers a chance to focus on something besides their burdensome oldest son for once.
“It really was an accident,” I said softly. I debated telling him the lie I’d come up with about me being distracted by my phone as the cause of the accident, but I found that, for once, I didn’t want to tell him something that wasn’t true. The fact was that it had been an accident.
And I wanted my word to be enough for him.
I held my breath as my father studied me for a long moment and then he finally nodded. “If you want to stay…”
“I do.”
“Okay.” He reached for his phone and said, “I’m going to talk to your father first about the change of plans and then I’ll let you talk to him, okay?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be right outside,” he said as he nodded towards the door.
“Okay, I’ll be right here.”
My father smiled at that, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. God, what I wouldn’t give to be the reason he smiled for real. Like he did when my little sister won some academic prize or when my brother, Toby, scored goal after goal during a soccer game.
But it was a lofty dream. Because the truth was, if he had any idea of all the things I’d done in my life, of the things I’d let happen, he’d never be able to look at me again, let alone smile.
* * *
My nerves were stretched so tight I was sure my entire body would shatter any second now. It had been exactly one week since the accident and I was right back where I’d been, except this time there was no Jax to pave the way for me. He’d wanted to come with me to make sure I made it to the ranch okay, but like with my father who’d finally agreed to leave two days after I’d gotten out of the hospital, I’d been insistent that I was okay on my own. I’d spent the entire week at Dane and Jax’s house resting, either in bed or, on the occasions I could find the energy to force myself out of my safe haven, interacting with Emma and Ben and their babysitter, Mrs. Greene. Of course, interacting meant I had to sit quietly wherever we happened to be, whether it was while the kids played in the living room or went swimming in the pond. That had been Mrs. Greene’s condition and I’d learned very quickly that you didn’t mess with a woman who had the confidence to wear bedazzled sneakers with fancy dresses and gray-blue hair styled in a way that I’d only ever seen in pictures of Hollywood starlets from the sixties.
I climbed out of the car and headed for the barn, but stopped when I saw a man walking down the driveway with two small boys. Each child had ahold of one of his hands and I could tell he was having trouble with one of the kids because the little boy’s face was scrunched up in an unhappy frown. And sure enough, within a few seconds, the kid started crying and the young man knelt to pick him up. Which immediately set off the second little boy. I smiled to myself as I trotted up the driveway.
