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I climbed out of the truck and followed Quinn into the barn. He’d stopped by the first stall and was examining the door latch like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Brody stopped near Quinn, but when Quinn failed to notice him, murmured, “I should get back to it,” and then headed towards the other end of the aisle, presumably to continue working on the stall he’d been in when we’d arrived.
I waited by Quinn for several long moments while he entered the stall and looked around. When he seemed satisfied with whatever it was he’d been looking for, he finally focused his attention on me. Whatever emotion he’d been feeling was shuttered behind an indifferent expression. “Come on, I’ll show you around,” he said.
I nodded and followed. Quinn explained things about the barn’s layout that didn’t really mean much to me so I nodded occasionally. I understood the gist of what he said, though. Basically, we’d be moving the horses to their new home within the coming few days and then it would be several weeks of letting them get adjusted. My job would be to clean stalls and help care for the horses until the new staff started. He also mentioned something about taking the horses out to explore their new surroundings, but I had no idea what he meant by that and I didn’t ask. His standoffishness bothered me more than I wanted to admit and I didn’t like the emotions rolling through me because of it. These days I typically moved at two speeds. I was either numb and exhausted or I was anxious and seeking escape. Those emotions took up most of my energy so they were kind of a blessing and a curse. Being numb meant I didn’t have to care about the things happening around me and being wired meant I couldn’t even focus long enough to even worry about it.
But now…now all I could think about was how hard it had been for Quinn to witness the joy Hunter and Roman had been experiencing as they faced the prospect of starting their family. And instead of wanting to avoid the topic, I wanted to ask Quinn to share his story with me.
“Any questions?” Quinn asked and I tuned in long enough to see that we’d left the barn and walked past the paddocks so that we’d looped around to the front of the stables where the trucks were parked. My gaze fell on Brody’s truck and then my eyes moved on their own to the dim interior of the barn to see if I could see him.
I couldn’t.
“Beck?”
“Huh?” I said, automatically. When there was just silence, I snapped out of the headspace I’d been in and realized Quinn was studying me, his face impassive and unreadable. Hell, I liked it better when he was looking at me with concern.
Which made no fucking sense whatsoever.
“Do you have any questions for me?” Quinn repeated.
Yes.
“No,” I murmured.
Quinn glanced at his watch and then said, “Let’s head back to the ranch. We just need to bring the horses in and feed them dinner, then we’ll call it a day.”
I nodded and followed Quinn to the truck. The ride to the ranch was quiet which I should have liked but didn’t, which only served to confuse me more. Once we reached the CB Bar, Quinn was mechanical as he showed me how to use a laminated chart to determine how much feed to place in each horse’s stall while he went out and brought the animals into the barn from the pastures. I couldn’t help but feel like he was eager to get rid of me at that point and that actually stung a little.
Once the last horse was fed, I watched Quinn give Koda an affectionate pat before closing the partition on his stall that allowed the horse to stick his head out. It was barely five o’clock and still light out, but exhaustion started to settle in my limbs as I followed Quinn towards the front of the barn where my car was parked. But it wasn’t the same kind of empty exhaustion I was used to…no, my body actually ached and my muscles burned, but in a pleasant way. While I suspected Quinn had taken it easy on me today in terms of actual physical labor, I still felt like I’d done more in a handful of hours than I’d done in a year. Back home, I hadn’t been stable enough to have a job so most of my free time had been spent in my room reading…when I wasn’t sleeping, that is.
“Same time tomorrow?” I asked as I watched Quinn reach into his truck to retrieve the hat and boots he’d lent me earlier in the day…his dead husband’s hat and boots.
Quinn nodded. As I turned to go, he called my name and I felt my belly flutter in anticipation.
This was it…this was the part where the Quinn from this morning would show up…the kind, concerned Quinn who hadn’t wanted me to be too uncomfortable in wet socks and sneakers.
“Yeah?” I said as I turned to face him.
“Roman offered to let us stay at the resort over the next few weeks. In the staff quarters near the barn.”
I remembered the U-shaped building Hunter had pointed out.
“I’ll probably take him up on it to save on the commute each way, but it’s up to you if you want to stay there as well. Dane and Jax might miss having you stay with them…” Quinn began, but then his voice faltered.
It didn’t matter. I knew what he meant. If I stayed at the resort, I’d have a room to myself with minimal supervision. A dream come true for me, but a nightmare for my keepers for the summer. And even if my hosts didn’t object, my parents surely would.
“I’ll talk to them about it,” I said.
While the commute didn’t bother me overly much, the prospect of being able to have my own space, even just for a few weeks, appealed to me more than I wanted to admit. Not because I hoped to get away with anything or because I didn’t like being around Jax, Dane and their kids. No, my reasons were much more simplistic…boring even.
I wanted the chance to act like a fucking adult.
I was the first to acknowledge how much I got away with just because of the labels I’d earned. And there were times when I’d taken advantage of it. But something about the idea of being accountable – of me having to hold myself accountable – appealed to me like nothing had in a really long time. It was more than just about being a grown-up. It was a chance to see what being normal was like…even if it was a title I’d never truly hold.
“You should know that Roman told me Brody’s going to be staying there too.”
Whereas my belly was fluttering before, now it was doing somersaults. The idea of sharing even a fraction of living space with both men should have scared the shit out of me (and it did). But it also excited me. Even though I couldn’t let anything happen with either or both men…
A violent shiver snaked down my spine as the word ‘both’ got stuck in my head. Jesus, what was wrong with me?
