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I was sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I was being put on the spot while the turd technician patiently waited for us to figure it out. Kells wasn’t taking no for an answer.
This woman was surely nuts. How did I become friends with her again? Right now, I couldn’t recall.
“Give us a moment please.” Yanking Kells, I took her to the side, ready to reason. “Kells, this isn’t my thing, you know that. I’m not into trendy shit like this. Like, for real dude, what the hell? I can’t. The very thought of it terrifies the living daylights out of me.” The idea of inserting some plastic tubing in my sacred rectum wasn’t what I envisaged for my afternoon. Talk about total violation.
“It’s not that big a deal. People everywhere do it. Hell, do you have any idea how many business transactions are being done while they’re getting their shit vacuumed?”
I. Fucking. Cannot. With. Her.
“Exactly, I don’t want anything vacuumed. Thanks, but no thanks.” My shit was sitting still. They didn’t need to be evacuated. They could go when ready. Who invented this shenanigan anyway?
“You only live once. Come on, please? This will make me a happy girl. Indulge me this once.” Kells pouted while putting on a major sad face.
The womanneverpouted. Talk about major guilt trip galore.
“Happy, really? Like knowing that you aren’t going through it alone makes you happy?” I whisper-hissed, torn with what to do next. “What if I have some allergy reaction to the tube they insert? Or I’ll be so stuffed with water I’ll die from it? Hell, if I die, I’m not even sure I have life insurance. What the hell, Kells!”
She frowned. “Are you saying you’re allergic to anal sex?”
What? “No—yes—well no, not that I’ve ever—Kells! Ugh you’re annoyingly hopeless.”
She was relentless, and it was making me nervous because I never won with her. She was would never yield. She was just that kind of person. God help me, I needed a miracle.
“You love me annoying.” She took my hand and pleaded some more. “If you do this, I’d love you forever. Besides … I don’t normally ask for favors, babe. Please, please?”
I could strangle her for being so persistent. “Fine, fine. But you owe me big time. And if shit hits the fan, I’m going to kill you.”
She had called me because she wanted to try out this new trend and didn’t want to go through it alone. How kind of her. If I came out of here limping, I would skin her alive.
The whole skittish ordeal wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would. But it wasn’t comfortable, either. Was I traumatized? Probably. Would I try it again? Not in this lifetime. Was I still speaking to Kells? That was still being decided.
