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29
The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro
The village is abuzz with villagers making their way through the high street with their electric candles like a fluorescent river in song. It’s a tradition of Starry Cove that the end of the year is welcomed by a festival of lights. Like a river of fire, people flow through the streets bearing candles and chatting among themselves.
We’re making our way down the coast, from village to village, the path lit by torches as the chatter rises skywards like an earnest prayer. I’ve never been overly religious, but tonight I realise that where there’s peace and unity, there’s love – the greatest of powers. Whether love between a couple, or a mother and her child, that between siblings or for a friend – as long as it’s love, the world is right. It’s beautiful beyond surreal and I’ve never felt so connected to every single person as if I were one with them.
When we finally reach the end of our journey, The Old Bell Inn, we all gather in the dining hall and pitch in to set the tables and dish up the delicious food prepared by not only the chefs Yolanda Amore and Hope Hudson, Faith’s sister, but also the deliciousness by the local bakeries.
Alex, headpâtissier(baker), and Ralph’s son at The Rolling Scones, wraps his arm around Laura and kisses her smack on the lips with all the love he’s capable of. It’s so genuine and catches me by surprise. She’s a lovely girl and deserves her happily ever after.
All around me are happy couples, from Nina to Nat, Rosie and Faith, surrounded by their husbands and babies and nieces and nephews. There are also others I don’t know. Faith is talking to a woman with a tattoo on her neck, cuddling her baby. The woman looks like a wild child but seems to have found peace with the baby in her arms. There are also some celebrities, such as Luke O’Hara, laughing and dancing with Nina while her husband pretends to be annoyed. But between the two men there’s a genuine affection. Even Gabe York is there, albeit on his own, his eyes following Faith’s every move as she’s dancing with her niece and nephew, Verity and Jowen, and step-son Orson. Gabe, on his part, seems to be taking in the scene philosophically.
Snippets of happy conversations float towards me, filling me with as much joy as I can muster nowadays.
Faith’s twin sister, Hope, is speaking with celebrity chef Yolanda, eyebrows raised while she says ‘You wantme? Head chef at your restaurant? Oh my God! This is the best news ever.’
Faith is talking to the wild child with the baby, sneaking glances at Gabe.
‘Did you talk to him?’ Faith says.
‘Yes. I’ve agreed to let him see Grace every other week.’
‘That’s great, Vanessa. I’m so happy for you both.’
‘And you? Have you forgiven him?’
Faith shrugs. ‘It’s easier when you love someone.’
‘Forgiving is easier when you love someone…’ I murmur to myself. It should be true.
Rosie sidles up to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. ‘So much love around, you see?’
I nod, sniffing, and she pulls me closer for a proper hug.
‘This cold… it’s stinging my face,’ I offer in way of explanation for the moist eyes.
But Rosie looks at me with her eyebrow raised. She isn’t buying it.
‘When are you going to forgive him? You were one of the few who saw the good in him when he was at his lowest. You should see him now. He hasn’t touched a drop since Christmas, which doesn’t sound like much, I know, but it is for him. He opens the shop on time and makes an effort to smile at his customers. But on the inside, he’s dying for you, Emmie.’
My throat constricts. I can’t. I just can’t. For so many reasons. How can I ever compare to the woman he loved enough to marry?Thatis true love. However it ended, it had been real. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to take her place. I don’t think I even want to. He’ll always be comparing me to her and I just can’t bear to love him more than he could ever love me.
Stephen, I had dealt with and got over. I’d put up with the heartache and the disappointed expectations throughout our relationship, but not any longer. I was done with the making up of excuses for his shortcomings. But an ending with Jago, I’d definitely not survive.
I shake my head as tears fall.
‘Oh, Emmie. You came all this way to learn about your family and in the meantime, you’ve discovered that you didn’t want to marry Stephen. Now, you can’t keep your mind off Jago. What’s it going to take for you to understand that the two of you are in love? What’s the man supposed to do – jump through hoops?’
I miss him so much, it hurts. How can I have fallen so deeply and badly in love with someone I’ve only known a few weeks? It must be just an infatuation, I’ve told myself repeatedly. It’s what I tell myself over and over before finally passing out to sleep. If it were real love and not just an obsession, I’d be able to think about anything else for a mere minute or two. But I can’t.
He’s with me in my mind, speaking to me, smiling at me, holding me, kissing me, yanking me from the clutches of the storm, or lifting me after my fall. Everything I hated about him, I now love, from his mocking eyes to the sexy curve of his lip, the deep voice, the stubble on his jaw. Everything.
I have to stop. I can’t go on thinking about him like this. And I can’t go on living here in Starry Cove, where everything reminds me of him. Jago MoonisStarry Cove. He’s all the good and the kindness of this little village.
New Year’s Eve. The noisy celebrations, the countdown, the fire crackers. And no one to kiss at midnight. Even Martin has got the message and turned elsewhere. I’m surrounded by lovely, lovely people and yet I’ve never felt so alone.
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