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Fuck fuck fuck. “At least ask her to call me?”
Carly shook her head. “Do you think she hasn’t already considered that? I really am sorry, but I will side with her every time, and this is what she’s doing.” Carly truly did sound sorry.
Daria wouldn’t talk to me. Colin wouldn’t talk to me.
I was getting everything I ever thought I wanted, but without them, the joy felt flat.
23
daria
Dustin must have saidsomething to Alana because she was talking to me again. Not a lot of words, but the venom behind them was gone. She almost seemed contemplative.
I let the girls plan our Saturday and Sunday, telling them they had to share the schedule. We shopped, we watched movies, and we went to the batting cages.
Sunday night, Harmony gave me a hug as I was putting her into bed and told me I was the best mom she’d ever had. The sentiment was sweet enough I decided not to ask for her to clarify.
When I walked out of Harmony’s room and closed the door behind me, Alana was waiting in the hall.
“Mom? You give up a lot for us, don’t you?”
I didn’t know where the question came from, but I didn’t like the phrasing. “Everything I do for you, I do because I want to.”
“But if we weren’t here, you’d be doing other things.”
What the hell? “What’s with the questions?”
Alana grabbed one arm with her other hand. “Have you dated since you and Joe got divorced?”
“Don’t call your father by his first name.”
“You do. And you’re not answering my questions.” She finally looked at me.
I tried to be as honest with my girls as possible, but how much of this conversation did I want to have with her? “I’ve seen people, yes.”
“But we’ve never met any of them,” Alana said.
Because fuckbuddies didn’t come home with me. Thoughts of Tanner and Colin assaulted me, and I swallowed down any reaction before it could leak into the conversation. “I haven’t been close enough with any of them.”
“Oh. Do I have to stop going to swimming lessons?”
“No, sweetie. Of course not. Tanner and Colin are qualified teachers, and as long as you enjoy going, you can keep doing so.”
“Will you keep talking to them?”
“I assume so. They’re good, kind people.” It would take some time to move past what happened between us, which was my mistake for letting it mean more—for letting them take up too much space in my heart—but Alana wouldn’t pay the price for that.
Alana gave me a hug, which she hadn’t done at bedtime in years. “Night, Mom.”
“Good night, sweetie.” I wasn’t sure if the conversation was related to what she said to me on Friday night, or if there was more to it. I was just grateful to have my girl happy with me again.
* * *
Monday morning,I was forced to face the reality that I was unemployed. How had I let myself get so distracted that I let those consequences seem smaller in my mind? I needed to file for benefits, find a lawyer, and sift through the referrals friends were sending me.
I brought my laptop into the living room, so I could hang out with the girls while I did all of the online stuff. Normally I didn’t mix work and motherhood, but this was a unique instance.
As I was going through email, my phone rang. I frowned at the nameKandaceon the screen. It would be so easy to ignore this, but responsibility and the desire to tell them off for what they’d done to me, won out. “This is Daria.” I kept my tone cool.
