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A muscle in his cheek jumps when he welds his jaw together at the hinges.
“It’s okay to be afraid for her, Nate. You love her.”
“Yeah, well, she hates me.”
“She doesn’t. She’s sick. You said so yourself.” Unable to keep from it, I lay a hand on his chest. His big, strong heart thuds against my palm. “You’re not failing her because she won’t listen. Addicts have to hit rock bottom before they ask for help.”
“And what if they never ask?” His voice cracks.
I consider his father. My mother. They didn’t ask for help and their addictions cost them their lives. I don’t have any encouraging words to say so I don’t say anything.
“I have to visit the site today,” he says. “Do you need anything else before I go?”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.”
I bristle. I was invited yesterday, but not today. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed for showing his vulnerability or if he needs to process without me around. I respect his need to be alone, even if I am disappointed.
“Will you be okay here?” Concern leaks into his expression. He’s always caring for everyone else, which doesn’t leave much room for caring for himself. He’s done so much for me. I can’t help but want to return the favor.
“I’ll be good here.” I force a smile. To alleviate his concern, I say, “I can always go shopping.”
He reaches for his wallet and I shove his arm. “Don’t you dare.”
“Your addiction, Vivian”—he pulls out cash and leaves it on the desk—“I’m happy to feed.”
He drops a fast kiss onto my lips. I hold on as long as he allows. He tastes good. He feels good. I want to heal his hurts, and I know what he likes. We spent last night twisting up the sheets and burying mine.
“Call you later,” he promises. And then he’s gone.
With a sigh, I look at the hundred dollar bills on the desk and consider how unfairly his mother treated him. Hasn’t she broken his heart enough for one lifetime? He deserves better. He deserves to be lavished.
A slow smile curls the corners of my mouth.
I tuck the bills into my pocket. Looks like I’m going shopping after all.
Nate
Seeing my mother was a mistake.
All the work I’ve done over the years to become whole, or as close to whole as I’ll ever be, was washed away like a mudslide this morning. Similar to the mud puddling under my feet at the construction site from an earlier light summer rain.
Light.
That’s how I felt when I arrived in Chicago with Vivian. So much for my preaching about how I know she’s afraid to claim what she wants. And that stunt I pulled in the bar to prove no one is out to get her… Who do I think I am?
This morning I rode those good feelings and the high from the sex last night to what I thought was a brilliant idea. I’d visit my mother. What could possibly go wrong?
Stupid, stupid. Stupid.
What possessed me to do it?
Concern, sure, but a part of me was acting selfishly. I was trying to force the final puzzle piece to slide into place. To finally be whole. Not so I can reach a state of enlightenment, which, face it, I’m not sure is attainable, but for Vivian.
For the first time, I have a strong connection with a woman. I don’t want to be less than she deserves, and she’s a woman who deserves far better than me.
I was happier without these thoughts.
