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‘Is that what happened all those years ago? You got “angsty”?’
It’s out before I can stop it and I curse my wild tongue.
‘It—it was more complicated than that.’
Complicated by her past, I know—I get that. But what about now? What of the future and Gran’s wishes? How long before she gets ‘angsty’ and bails anyway?
‘I was eighteen,’ she says. ‘Katherine had done everything she’d promised, taking care of me until I was old enough to take care of myself. It was time for me to go.’
‘For the lone wolf to leave and find her place in the world...’
She frowns at me, her eyes lost in the past. ‘You used to call me that...’
‘I used to call you that when I was calling out the front you put on.’
She swallows, her throat bobbing as her chin tilts up. ‘Maybe it wasn’t a front.’
‘Maybe...’
But it’s so soft she knows there’s no agreement in it.
‘And how’s your front these days?’ she asks.
A wry smile touches my lips. Sparring with her is too much fun. Even if it does take me back twenty years, to this very room, collapsed on the rug before the fire after a day of Christmas-present-collecting for the local children’s home.
‘I’m not the only one with a front...’
The flickering light from the fire had danced in her eyes as she’d wrapped the throw she’d snaffled from her bedroom around our shoulders.
‘You’re just as bad.’
‘Really? How so?’
‘You play the prodigal son for your parents—perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect friends... You laugh more when you’re with me, though.’
She’d been teasing me with the last but she’d been right. I’d spent my entire childhood skirting around my parents, trying to get their attention, being on my best behaviour, coming top of the class, top of the sports field too, bringing home the right friends—the ones with the most influential parents. Anything to get a scrap of attention. To feel an inkling of the love I saw my friends receive in abundance. The kind of love Gran had dished out in spades.
Twenty-two and nothing had changed. I’d still been the dutiful son, working hard, networking...playing the part.
‘Ever think you would be happier just being you?’ she’d asked.
‘I could ask you the same.’
‘Maybe we should just run away and be ourselves together.’
I’d laughed, but it had caught in my throat, the very possibility of it. No longer a dream but reality. My parents would lose it entirely, and the idea had only served to make my smile widen.
If only she’d been serious in her offer...
‘You need to give up smoking first.’
She’d laughed, but cuddled in closer. ‘I haven’t smoked a cigarette since the summer.’
‘Really? You didn’t say.’
‘I was saving it for Christmas since it seemed like a big deal to you.’
‘You were going to gift me your improved health for Christmas?’
