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"Thanks," I said. I hadn't expected anything from her. The gift was weird- why the hell would she give me an eye?- but it was a gift. "I... I didn't get you anything."
My mom nodded, face blank and unconcerned once more. "It's fine. I don't need anything."
She turned away again and started walking around the room. She didn't have a lot of space to do it, but her shorter height gave her a smaller stride. Each time she passed in front of the window over my bed, the light would catch her auburn hair and light it up. I watched her curiously and realized she was as nervous as me.
She halted in her pacing and glanced back toward me. "How's your eye?"
"Getting better."
"Good." She opened her mouth, and I had a feeling she was on the verge of apologizing. But she didn't.
When she started pacing again, I decided I couldn't stand the inactivity. I began putting my presents away. I'd gotten a pretty nice haul of stuff this morning. One of them was a silk dress from Tasha, red and embroidered with flowers. My mother watched me hang it in the room's tiny closet.
"That was very nice of Tasha."
"Yeah," I agreed. "I didn't know she was going to get me anything. I really like her."
"Me too."
I turned from the closet in surprise and stared at my mom. Her astonishment mirrored mine. If I hadn't known any better, I'd have said we'd just agreed on something. Maybe Christmas miracles did happen.
"Guardian Belikov will be a good match for her."
"I- " I blinked, not entirely sure what she was talking about. "Dimitri?"
"Guardian Belikov," she corrected sternly, still not approving of my casual way of addressing him.
"What... what kind of match?" I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. "You haven't heard? She's asked him to be her guardian- since she doesn't have one."
I felt like I'd been punched again. "But he's...assigned here. And to Lissa."
"Arrangements can be made. And regardless of the Ozera reputation...she's still royal. If she pushes, she can get her way."
I stared bleakly into space. "Well, I guess they are friends and everything."
"More than that- or possibly could be."
Bam! Punched again.
"What?"
"Hmm? Oh. She's...interested in him." By my mother's tone, it was clear that romantic matters actually held no interest for her. "She's willing to have dhampir children, so it's possible they might eventually make an, um, arrangement if he were her guardian."
Oh. My. God.
Time froze.
My heart stopped beating.
I realized my mother was waiting for a response. She was leaning against my desk, watching me. She might be able to hunt down Strigoi, but she was oblivious to my feelings.
"Is ... is he going to do it? Be her guardian?" I asked weakly.
My mom shrugged. "I don't think he's agreed to it yet, but of course he will. It's a great opportunity."
"Of course," I echoed. Why would Dimitri turn down the chance to be a guardian to a friend of his and to have a baby?
I think my mom said something else after that, but I didn't hear it. I didn't hear anything. I kept thinking about Dimitri leaving the Academy, leaving me. I thought about the way he and Tasha had gotten along with each other so well. And then, after those recollections, my imagination started improvising future scenarios. Tasha and Dimitri together. Touching. Kissing. Naked. Other things ...
I squeezed my eyes shut for half a second and then opened them.
"I'm really tired."
My mom stopped mid-sentence. I had no idea what she'd been saying before I interrupted her.
"I'm really tired," I repeated. I could hear the hollowness in my own voice. Empty. No emotion. "Thanks for the eye...um, thing, but if you don't mind ..."
My mother stared at me in surprise, her features open and confused. Then, just like that, her usual wall of cool professionalism slammed back into place. Until that moment, I hadn't realized how much she'd let it up. But she had. For just a brief time, she'd made herself vulnerable with me. That vulnerability was now gone.
"Of course," she said stiffly. "I don't want to bother you."
I wanted to tell her it wasn't that. I wanted to tell her I wasn't kicking her out for any personal reason. And I wanted to tell her that I wished she were the kind of loving, understanding mother you always hear about, one I could confide in. Maybe even a mother I could discuss my troubled love life with.
God. I wished I could tell anyone about that, actually. Especially right now.
But I was too caught up in my own personal drama to say a word. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and tossed it across the other side of the room. There was a burning, agonizing pain in my chest, and I had no idea how it could ever be filled. It was one thing to accept that I couldn't have Dimitri. It was something entirely different to realize someone else could.
I didn't say anything else to her because my speech capabilities no longer existed. Fury glinted in her eyes, and her lips flattened out into that tight expression of displeasure she so often wore. Without another word, she turned around and left, slamming the door behind her. That door slam was something I would have done too, actually. I guess we really did share some genes.
But I forgot about her almost immediately. I just kept sitting there and thinking. Thinking and imagining.
I spent the rest of the day doing little more than that. I skipped dinner. I shed a few tears. But mostly, I just sat on my bed thinking and growing more and more depressed. I also discovered that the only thing worse than imagining Dimitri and Tasha together was remembering when he and I had been together. He would never touch me again like that, never kiss me again...
This was the worst Christmas ever.
Ten
THE SKI TRIP COULDN'T HAVE come a moment too soon. It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
I had other things to distract me, too. The Academy might- rightfully- be overprotective when it came to us, but sometimes that translated into pretty cool stuff. Example: The Academy had access to a couple of private jets. This meant no Strigoi could attack us at an airport, and it also meant we got to travel in style. Each jet was smaller than a commercial plane, but the seats were cushy and had lots of leg room. They extended far enough back that you could practically lie down to sleep. On long flights, we had little consoles in the seats that gave us TV movie options. Sometimes they'd even break out fancy meals. I was betting this flight, however, would be too short for any movies or substantial food.
