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“But he plays for the Bolts now, the team that I’ve been doing PR for over the past three months. We’ve been seeing each other in secret.”
Her eyes widen. “I see.”
I stare down at my lap, picking at my cuticles. “I haven’t made things easy on him, but he’s been very adamant about his feelings for me, and I... I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so happy for you.”
“He doesn’t know about Jacob, Mom,” I say, lifting my eyes to hers.
“Oh.”
“I haven’t told him, and he knows I’m hiding something. We sort of had a fight the other morning, and when I got home, I stared at pictures of Jacob and me, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to love again.”
“Penelope,” she whispers.
“I feel guilty for falling for someone else. I think that’s what I’ve always feared, that being with another man in that way would mean I didn’t love Jacob anymore.”
My mom gives me a soft smile and reaches for my hand. “The road to get to where we’re supposed to be is never easy. All of the good we ever get to experience is at the cost of struggles and pain, Penelope. We have to work for the blessings in our life. We have to experience failure, make mistakes, and endure heartache along the way. Because if we don’t, we will never appreciate the truly beautiful things when we obtain them.” She wipes a tear from under my eye. “You experienced loss and pain at a very young age, sweetheart. And since then, you’ve been fighting to never experience it again. But in doing so, you’ve also been robbing yourself of love. And I know love when I see it. You are in love with that man, Penelope. Now’s the time to let someone else in.”
“But—”
“You will always love him, Pen. But he’s gone. He’s not coming back, and he would have wanted you to move on.”
“I’m scared, but I’m tired of being scared. If that even makes sense.”
“It does.”
“And Maddox is...” I sigh, smiling softly. “He’s this giant teddy bear of a man, but he’s commanding and alpha when he needs to be.” She bounces her eyebrows, which makes me blush. “I feel safe with him, protected, and seen. He makes me laugh, and I love just being with him, doing simple things like watching a movie together. He calls me on my crap, and I do the same right back to him. It’s so similar to what Jacob and I shared but on an entirely different level, too. I don’t want to compare them because I know that’s not fair. But I guess in my brain, it feels like I’m having to make a choice between the two of them, and I feel guilty for choosing the man who’s alive even though that’s the logical choice, you know?” I groan. “Ugh, it’s so frustrating.”
My mom strokes my cheek with her thumb. “It’s easy for us to idolize young love, particularly when it’s our first experience with the feeling. I’m not saying you didn’t love Jacob, because I know you did. I remember the two of you together, and it was a beautiful thing. But love takes on a new meaning and look as we get older. Love is a choice, not a feeling, Penelope. You can still love Jacob and remember him while also loving Maddox. But Maddox doesn’t deserve to wonder why you’re being secretive. He doesn’t deserve to be compared to Jacob, either. So now’s the time for you to decide what choice you’re going to make about Maddox and the future you want with him.”
“I know. That’s why I came home. I need to say goodbye to my past so I can walk confidently into my future.”
“Well, for my own selfish reasons, I’m glad you’re here. But I’m also so damn proud of you for finally taking this step. The stubborn girl that you are, I knew it would take the right man to pull you out of that box you started to live your life in after Jacob died. And if my gut is any indication, I’d say this man is the man for you.”
“I really think he is.” Letting out a sigh, I fall back on my bed. “I’m so drained.”
My mom stands from the bed and then leans over me, brushing the hair from my eyes. “Then take a nap, sweetie. I’ll have Dad wait on dinner a bit. And then I think there’s somewhere you need to go today.”
“Yeah, I think that sounds like a good plan. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, Penelope. And I’m really glad you’re home.”
* * *
Ever since I sawNow and Thenas a kid, I’ve been terrified of being in a cemetery at night. And if I don’t make this quick, that’s exactly the predicament I’m going to find myself in.
The sun is falling in the sky at what feels like rapid speed, but I have to do this today. It’s symbolic. And though it’s been twelve years, it doesn’t take me long to find exactly where I need to go.
I remember the funeral like it was yesterday, standing beside Jacob’s casket in disbelief that it was happening, hundreds of calla lilies all around, everyone dressed in black, and tears flowing freely as I stood there in shock, convincing myself that this was all a dream.
But now it’s just me, descending upon the spot where the first love of my life was laid to rest, my eyes filling with moisture as I get closer to his headstone.
“Holy shit,” I mutter to myself, collapsing on the ground as soon as I arrive. I close my eyes and let my tears fall as I place my hands on my knees, regret freely flowing through me that it took me this long to come back here.
“Jacob, I’m so sorry I’ve been gone this entire time. I-I haven’t handled this the right way, but I’m here now. I’m here.”
A soft breeze whips past as I lay the bouquet of calla lilies down on his grave and read his name on the gray stone over and over.
