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I press my lips to hers gently. “I’m listening.”
“As I was saying, this week was the anniversary of his death. He was my first love, my first everything, my best friend. And he played football, just like you.” Suddenly, her no-football-players rule makes a hell of a lot more sense. “He had a full scholarship to play for Ohio State, and it looked like he would have a promising career in the NFL if he kept up his momentum. But three weeks after we graduated from high school, we had plans to go to the lake with some friends of ours right before the Fourth of July. Jacob was complaining about a headache, but I kept telling him he would feel better once we got to the water. I gave him some ibuprofen, convincing him he just needed to let it kick in, and he’d be fine.”
She pauses, shaking her head. “He said he didn’t feel right, but I suggested maybe he was dehydrated, you know? It was hot, sweltering really, and I just wanted to hang out with everyone, soak up our last summer before real life started.”
I continue to rub her arm as she finds the strength to continue.
“There was a small hill on the edge of the lake that everyone would jump off into the water, doing flips and showing off in front of our friends. A few of his friends, including me, convinced him to jump off, too, so he did. But he never came back up.”
“Jesus.”
“He had a brain aneurysm, Maddox, and it ruptured while he was underwater or right before he jumped. The autopsy report basically concluded that the timing was everything, and for him, it was fatal.”
“Babe...”
“For so long, I’ve believed that it was my fault, Maddox. I’m the reason he died.” She starts crying again. “If I had just listened to him, had us stay home instead of going to the lake, he might have survived. But I was being selfish. I told him to suck it up. And because of me, he didn’t even have a chance of surviving...” She buries her face in my chest again, and I hold her to me, breathing in her sorrow while simultaneously feeling relieved that I finally understand her so much better now.
“He was the only boy I ever loved, and I played a part in why he’s not here anymore. So I ran away from home and haven’t been back since. I haven’t dated, haven’t let any other man in because I couldn’t stand the thought of loving someone like I loved him. But even that wasn’t enough.”
“Penelope, this was not your fault.”
She shakes her head.
“No, it wasn’t. Listen to me.” I tilt her chin up again so I can see her eyes. “You magnificent woman. There was no way for you to know what was going to happen, no way that you could have prevented that. The fact that you’ve been carrying around this guilt for so long makes my heart break for you. Because, Pen?”
“Yeah?” she asks, wiping her nose.
“I know what that’s like, baby. I know exactly how it feels to think you’re responsible for someone else’s death.”
Her mouth falls open. “What? How?”
“I had a cousin, Leslie’s sister, actually. And she died in a drunk driving accident, one that she should have never been in if it wasn’t for me.”
Chapter22
Penelope
“What?” My stomach plummets, and I actually cover my heart with my hand because I’m afraid it might come out of my chest completely if I don’t.
“Fuck, it makes so much sense now,” Maddox whispers, resting his forehead on mine. Normally, I love it when he does that, but right now, I can’t focus on anything other than what he just told me.
“Maddox. I-I’m so confused.”
“You don’t need to be, Pen. Because I’m not. Now I understand. I get why I felt connected to you before I ever truly got to know you.” He runs his knuckles down my jawline. “I think our souls knew we needed each other, baby. Mine recognized the guilt in yours, but perhaps together, we can completely heal.”
Oh my God, his words. My heart lurches from them, wishing I could reach out and holdhisheart in my hands. “Your cousin died?”
“And I blamed myself for it, Pen. Just like you did with Jacob.” He blows out a breath as he stares across the field. “Leslie and I had finally both turned twenty-one, and Grace wanted to take us out and party. I broke up with Brittney, my fiancé, about three months earlier, so the idea of letting loose and trying to get back out there seemed promising, and I was tired of wallowing. Grace was older than us, but she insisted that we needed to experience the club scene and wanted to show us the ropes. She told us she would be the designated driver, but as soon as we got to the club, she started drinking. Up until that point, I’d always thought she had a bit of a drinking problem, but it wasn’t until that night that I got up close and personal with it.”
He adjusts me on his lap, and I settle in, completely invested in this story because my heart resonates with it.
“She was relentless, doing shot after shot, and after I had two drinks myself, I knew she wouldn’t be able to drive us home, so I stopped drinking for the night. It only took a few hours, but she was wasted, and I knew Leslie and I needed to get her home. I told Leslie to take her to the bathroom and then we would get going, but I ran into a buddy of mine from school on my way out and got caught up in a conversation with him.” He looks off to the side of the field. “Leslie came up to me God knows how long later and asked me where Grace was. I told her I thought she was with her, but apparently, while Leslie finished in the bathroom, Grace snuck out and decided to drive herself home. She crashed her car into a telephone pole and died on impact.”
“Oh my God, Maddox.”
“I instantly blamed myself, Pen. I spiraled out of control. If we hadn’t gone to the club, if I had just ended my conversation sooner, if I had just stopped her from taking all of those shots, if I had just done this or that, she wouldn’t have died.”
“Fuck, you sound like me in my head.”
