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I lower my voice. “It was freaking incredible. He took me on a hike so we could be alone, you know? And then he made me come on his hand while we watched the sun sink down behind the mountains,” I muse.
“Based on the look in your eyes, I’m gonna say that’s not the only thing he’s been doing for you.”
Glancing around the park, I pull Amelia to the side so we’re around fewer people who can eavesdrop. “Well, after our hike, I demanded he fuck me. I’ve been so horny since he was the last guy I slept with, so I needed that release. But then, I...”
“What?”
I sigh. “I ran off.”
“You didn’t?” she asks, her brow furrowed.
“Believe me, it wasn’t my finest moment. I keep reliving it, too, like an awkward conversation where you go back and repeat every stupid thing you said and did.” I shake my head. “It wasn’t pretty.”
“Well, how did he react?”
“Ha. Oh, the man just hunted me down at my office and denied me an orgasm until I talked to him about it.”
She folds her lips in. “Sounds like you’ve met your match, Penelope.”
“Ugh, he’s too much. Too handsome. Too funny. Too bossy.”
“That’s not a bad thing, girl. Believe me, being bossed around is hot.”
“I’m glad to know that Ethan is delivering in the bedroom, my friend, but can we focus back on me for a second?”
She nods. “Right. So what’s going through your head? Talk it out with me.”
“It’s complicated. Maddox’s awakened a side of me that I’ve locked up for far too long—the side that wants more from a man than just sex. But dear God is the sex fucking fantastic. So I guess I just thought if I could go back to that, focus on the physical with him again, the emotional stuff would go away. But I was wrong.”
“I could have told you that.”
“I got what I wanted from him, and I honestly thought that would solve everything. But it didn’t. It made things worse. The feelings didn’t go away, they just grew stronger.”
“So you ran, but he came back for you?”
“He did. And I told him that leaving after sex is what I do, but he told me I wasn’t going to do that with him, no matter what I’ve done in the past. Normally, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if a man—or anyone, for that matter—had a problem with how I chose to live my life.”
“But this isn’t just anyone—it’s Maddox, the man who’s been nothing but straightforward with you about his feelings.”
“Exactly, so I tried to do the same. And since then, we’ve been talking on the phone almost every night. He sends me texts every day, and he listens to what I say. I actuallywantto talk to him.” I close my eyes. “I’m so freaking screwed. This is why I’veonlyhad sex with guys before, Amelia. I got really good at turning my emotions off and just focusing on the physical because I never wanted to be vulnerable again.”
I drop my voice to a whisper. “It took me over a year after Jacob died to be able to do that, to sleep with someone else. And the first time I did, I bawled afterward. Cried like a baby for three days. It was hell, but it got easier, and I made sure to stay away from any man who reminded me of him.” A few dogs bark off in the distance, reminding me that we need to get back to the event. “But this? Opening up again? It’s almost harder in some ways.”
Reaching up, she places her hand on my shoulders. “First of all, my heart breaks for you, knowing you’ve been battling this by yourself. And secondly, you’re not screwed. You deserve this, Penelope. Maddox is good for you. This entire experience is. It’s forcing you to deal with so many things that you’ve been burying. Does this mean you called the grief counselor I recommended you to?”
I dart my eyes from hers. “Well...”
She shakes her head and sighs. “Penelope, I know you have so much going through your brain right now, honey. But that is precisely why you need to process it all.”
“But that’s what I have you for,” I say, smiling back at her again.
She tilts her head at me. “You do, but you need to talk to someone professionally, Pen. Otherwise, your emotions are going to creep up on you when you least expect it. I’m proud of you for opening yourself up to this possibility, but if you don’t really deal with your past, it’s going to come back to haunt you at the worst time.”
Huffing, I turn back to survey the park again. It’s beginning to fill up with people, so I’m keeping an eye out for the players on the team to arrive. “I think I’m doing okay right now, though, so maybe I’ll be fine.”
Honestly? I’m lying through my teeth. I’m a fucking mess.
I mean, jumping into dating Maddox was something I just didn’t think I could fight anymore, and giving in felt like the right thing to do. But now that we’re in the thick of it and he’s making me believe in possibilities, I feel like I’m being slapped around in a bounce house from wall to wall and I can’t stand up to find the exit.
