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We lay like this for hours—me curled into his side and him cradling me. The first movie ends and a new movie starts right after. I have no idea what plays, nor do I care. I just want to lay here and cry my eyes out. Cry until I have no more tears. Cry until I pass out.
After my tears subside a while, I sit up and notice Erin and Shelly fell asleep at some point. I envy how peaceful they both look. And I pray to whatever power resides over me, please let me sleep tonight. I need a deep, dreamless sleep. Just one solid night.
Jonas sits up and tenderly tucks my hair behind my ears. I don’t doubt I look a hot mess right now. Hair a rat’s nest. Pajamas still on from earlier when Mom was here. Eyes puffy and bloodshot. Lips cracked. But the way Jonas stares at me right now, I feel the exact opposite. His swirly blue-hazels are gentle as he searches my face.
“You want to go lay down? Maybe try to get some sleep? I’ll tuck you in.”
God, I hate myself and the fact I was never able to be anything but friends with Jonas. He is such a good man. A family man. Is someone I depend on. Someone I trust. Someone I care about. He likes me on a much deeper level than friendship. In the back of my mind, I think I have always been privy to this. I just shoved it away. Smothered it. Because my stupid brain has never been able to let go of Gavin.
But after everything that has happened, maybe I should let myself try again. Let myself find love with someone else. Someone who won’t abandon me. Someone who will do anything for me.
“Yeah, okay,” I say.
Jonas stands and extends his hand out to me. I take it and rise from the floor. He walks me toward my bedroom with his arm around my shoulders. A sudden nervousness hits me when we walk into my bedroom. It’s like nothing I have experienced with Jonas. Like a hurricane swirls beneath my ribcage.
I slip under my covers and he slides them up to my chin before sitting beside me on the bed. He gazes at me with an expression very un-Jonas. His forehead bunches and straightens and bunches again. When he reaches forward and brushes his knuckles across my cheek, the gentle touch trips a live wire inside me. I lean into his touch and close my eyes momentarily. The pent-up emotions I have ignored with Jonas detonate with ferocity.
I study his blue-rimmed hazels as they hone in on my lips. His eyes perplexed and loaded with indecision. Then his tongue darts out and wets his lips. Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. But after a second, I catch a slight shake of his head. The indiscernible gesture probably wasn’t meant to be seen, but I am the body language detector and pick up on the smallest of signals.
“How are you?” Jonas asks, voice soft and endearing. And something tells me that wasn’t what he wanted to say. But I shove the thought aside.
When most people ask me this question, I tell them I am fine. That everything is okay, although I silently scream in my head. Although I am slowly shattering inside. But there are a select few people I am straightforward with, Jonas being one of them. Shelly, Erin, and my mom being the others. I talk with Dad, but we discuss different stuff—less of the emotional, more of the rest.
“I don’t know. Feels like I’m falling apart. Like someone took a chisel and hammer to my heart and started chipping it away all over again. It took so long to somewhat heal from the first time. Jonas, I don’t think I’ll survive this time.” As the final words slip from my lips, tears roll down the sides of my face and spill to the pillow.
Jonas scoots closer, gently plants his hands on either side of my face, and leans over me. He hovers there a moment, inches from my face. From my lips. “You will get through this, Cora. I won’t let it be any other way.” He lifts one hand from the bed, brushes my hair from my face, and wipes away my tears. His calloused fingers so tender on my temples. “This time will not be the same,” he says, huskily.
“How can you be so sure?” I ask, needing some form of reassurance.
“Because you have me and Shelly and Erin and so many others. We’re all here for you. On your team. And no matter what happens, we’ll be here for you.”
I nod, not knowing how else to respond. But the truth in his words erases some of the chill in my bones.
“Try to get some sleep. If you need me, I’ll be on the couch. And we’ll all be here when you wake up in the morning.”
Jonas leans in and I hold my breath as he presses his lips to my forehead. His lips are soft and warm. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel something other than sadness for a brief moment in time. To envision what life could be like if I gave Jonas a chance. If I set my heart free from the cage it has been in for far too long. Because life with Jonas would be good. Filled with smiles and laughter and warmth and love. I don’t have to experience it to know it.
When he slowly lifts his lips from my skin, I shift below him and move my lips closer to his. And for a split second, our lips touch. The air crackles and steals my breath. But as quickly as our lips make contact, he breaks away.
“No, Cora.” He rears back and scoots farther away from me, his eyes closed and head shaking.
Rejection hits me with incomparable force. Tears sting the backs of my eyes as I press a hand to my lips.
He doesn’t want me? How could I be so stupid? What the hell was I thinking?
“I’m sorry. I just thought…” I stumble over my own words as I fight crying in front of him.
When he opens his eyes, glassy hazels stare back at me. “Please don’t apologize. Believe me, I have wanted this—us—for so long. But after seeing you around Gavin this past week, it’s quite clear where your heart lies. He hurt you, but you wouldn’t be this devastated if you didn’t still love him.”
“I don’t love—”
Jonas holds up his hand to stop me. “You’re upset right now, and I understand why you’re saying that. But you can’t run from the truth, Cora. And as much as I care about you, I don’t want to be the runner-up. For a long time, I thought I had a chance. But after seeing you two together, and seeing how devastated you are right now… you never fell out of love with him. And that’s okay. If us just being friends is the only way I get to have you in my life, so be it. At least I get to have you.”
Jonas said he cares about me. That he would be with me, if I could give him my whole heart. Although he didn’t outright say he loves me, part of me deep down knows he does. But our love isn’t the type to stop time. The type that consumes every breath and thought and cell. And that’s okay. Because at least I still have him. Even if it isn’t the way he wants. And that speaks volumes to the type of man he is.
I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”
His brow knits in the middle as he tilts his head. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Because I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Lucky I met you. Our friendship is like none I’ve had.” I swallow past the emotional lump in my throat and blink back tears. “I wouldn’t get through this without you. Wouldn’t make it out of this whole without you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always.”
“I know.” He leans forward and kisses my cheek, his lips lingering a little longer than friendship warrants before he sits back up. “Ditto. Try to get some sleep. And in the morning, we’ll all go out to breakfast.”
And before I respond, Jonas gets up and walks out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like Jonas in my life, but I am indebted to whatever power brought us together. Maybe the universe knew I needed someone as tenderhearted as Jonas to help heal my heart. Not completely, but enough to live in the world.
I roll over and hug the other pillow to my chest, catching Gavin’s scent. I inhale deeply and, for the first time in twenty-four hours, allow myself to purposely think about Gavin. Flutters echo in the chambers of my heart and I hug the pillow tighter. I imagine my arms wrapped around him as his scent fills each alveolus in my lungs.
Within minutes, my eyes grow heavy and drift shut as I dream about beaches and sunsets and giant evergreen trees.
