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Once upon a time,there was a girl who believed in true love and happily-ever-afters.
That girl was me. Notice the past tense there: was . . . Yeah, I let go of that fairy-tale kind of hope a long time ago. Don’t get me wrong; I want to believe. I really do. But there’s only so much heartbreak a girl can take before she starts to question her fundamental beliefs.
For instance, my first boyfriend back in ninth grade, Toby Miller (insert dreamy sigh), ticked all my boxes. Handsome? Yep. Funny? Uh-huh. Charming? Yeppers. Taller than me? You bet ya. And smart? Bingo. Unfortunately for me, I was not the only girl he was wooing with his swoon-worthiness.
Next, we have Bryan Godfrey. After being burned by Toby and his Lothario ways, I added honest to my list of requirements. And Bryan, bless him, was honest to a fault. So honest he felt the need to inform me of every failing I possessed. But don’t worry. He did it in a very charming way. So charmingly, in fact, that it took me a while to realize he was actually insulting me.
Then there was Grey Mathers, Will Carson, Aiden Fairmont, Alex Norman, and the list goes on. You get where I’m going with this, right? A string of unsuccessful relationships left me jaded and—for lack of a better word—hopeless.
So, I devised a plan to keep my banged-up heart safe from all the douche-canoes in the world. I call it The Starfish Method. It’s really quite genius. You see, I still have needs as a woman, and I very much like companionship, so dropping out of the dating game altogether just wasn’t an option for me.
In order to continue reaping the benefits of a relationship without becoming too invested, I only date each man for four months. Then, I give myself a month or two break before diving back into the dating pool again.
The tricky part is getting rid of the current boytoy without him knowing I’m trying to get rid of him. That’s where The Starfish Method comes into play. At the three-month mark, I take a step back in being an active participant in the sex department and implement my secret weapon: I lie there like a starfish, limbs spread so the deed can successfully be done and mostly enjoyed by both parties. But it’s not great, you know?
It’s so simple, it’s genius.
After a couple of weeks of this, he (the current lover) will become bored and ultimately invent a reason to break it off within my four-month time frame. It hasn’t failed me yet, and I’ve been employing this method for four years.
“You’re insane. You know that, right?” Amy, my BFF since our diaper days, says as I pop another fry into my mouth.
I shrug as I chew. “So you keep telling me.”
She snatches the bowl out of my grasp as I reach for another stick of potatoey goodness. I glare. “Dude, is there a reason you’re taking your life into your hands right now?”
Her brows bunch in a frown. “This is serious. Taking away the carbs is the only way to make you listen.”
I blow my bangs out of my eyes and look to the heavens, silently begging for patience. When I level her with my stare again, she’s clutching the bowl of fries to her chest. “Give them back and we can talk. There’s no need to hold my food hostage.”
She snorts. “Right. I’m not falling for that again. We talk first, then I’ll return your precious grease sticks.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I retort, “Well, get on with it then. I’m hungry.”
Amy clears her throat then straightens her shoulders. “I think you should have held on to Brent. He’s so nice, and he treated you like a damn princess. Don’t even get me started on the way he looked at you like you were the most amazing thing on this Earth.”
I drop my head to the tabletop. “You should date him if you like him so much,” I grumble.
“Maybe if I’d met him first, I would have. But that’s just gross. I don’t want a bar of his pork sword after it’s already impaled my bestie.” She dry heaves then shakes her head. “Besides, he was crazy about you. Can’t you give him a chance? Like, a real one this time?”
Sitting forward, I let my bravado go and get real. “I don’t think I have it in me to give anyone more of myself than I already do. My system works for me. It keeps my heart safe while still meeting all my needs. Brent is a great guy, otherwise I wouldn’t have hooked up with him in the first place. But you and I both know there’s always an expiration date on the ‘perfect guy’ routine. I get out before I get hurt.”
Amy’s frown deepens. “But what if it’s not a routine? I think he’s genuine.”
I grin. “That’s where my system comes in. If he was truly crazy about me, not just the great sex, he wouldn’t have broken it off with me. But he did. You can’t fault The Starfish Method. In the last four years, not one of the guys I’ve dated has stuck around to try to work things out.”
“Life isn’t only about sex, you know,” she grumbles.
“Ames.” I sigh. “I know that. But think about it; if Brent really liked me, for more than a good lay, he would have stuck around.”
After a full minute of silence, Amy finally nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just really liked this one. I thought for sure he’d blow your stupid starfish out of the water.”
I chuckle and reach across the space between us, snatching my bowl of fries out of her arms. “Maybe one day I’ll meet the unicorn of men, and he’ll stick it to me so good it won’t matter what position we’re in as long as we’re boning.”
Camille handsme a small black-and-white picture on gloss paper, and I stare at it, confused. “What is this?”
She smiles and slaps my shoulder playfully. “What do you think it is, silly? It’s our baby. We made a baby together, Samuel. Isn’t it wonderful?” Her blue eyes mist with unshed tears as she speaks.
I go back to staring at the picture. A baby? She told me she was on the pill. . . and I wrapped it every single time we’ve been together despite her repeatedly mentioning that I didn’t need to.
