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She needed a shower, clean clothes and someone to look after her. At least until she stopped shaking.
“Should we call the cops?” Ryan asked, peeking back at me in the rearview mirror.
I shook my head, feeling the familiar anger rise inside. I didn’t need the police involved. I already knew what I was going to do. The anger would have taken over, like it used to ever since what happened with my father, but in that second, her side touched mine. She leaned against me, soft and warm and wanting to be held.
She needed me to.
It should anger me that I crave that moment back. She was anything but okay, and I have no right to want to go back there when she was in so much pain.
But no one has ever needed me like she did then.
It took hours before she agreed to sleep in my room at the house. I told her I wasn’t letting her sleep in her car, and I thought she’d fight back, but she was too tired. I could see it in her eyes.
I locked the bedroom door before closing it shut… I locked it because I didn’t trust myself to leave her alone that night. I wanted to sleep beside her, to be there if something happened, to watch over her. Something was broken inside of her and I recognized it. I just didn’t know what.
I wanted to kiss her more than anything. She was younger than me, she was vulnerable and it was wrong. It was fucked up that I craved her like I did. But worse than that, I felt deep inside that she’d kiss me back. She’d do whatever I asked that night, and I didn’t trust myself not to ask for more than she could give.
I promisedmyself in that moment when I locked the door to the guest bedroom, leaving her safe inside, if she ever wanted to walk away, I’d let her. What we had scared me, and I couldn’t imagine what it did to her. I thought she’d know I would still be there waiting. How could she not know that?
I didn’t take into account that we came from different worlds. She was used to running and fighting. It’s what she knew. What I knew was something completely different.
I’ve never been attracted to anyone like I’m drawn to Sophie. I want to take every bit of her, and that’s exactly what I did. Every single piece of her was mine.
She’s used to fighting; her mother made sure of that.
When I didn’t fight back, she left me.
When I did fight back, she left me.
I know how to hold her when she needs me to, and back then, she needed my touch often. I have no fucking idea how to hold on to her though when she doesn’t want it, but I’m not going to back down. I did once, and it left me desolate for three years, waiting for her to come back.
I know she wants me the way I want her. That’s the only thing that matters.
CHAPTER8
Sophie
Seven years ago
Idon’t want to go home, so I stay here with Madox. I’m not his girlfriend though and that makes me feel a certain way. A way that’s uncomfortable. A way that makes me feel ashamed.
I’m afraid to ask him if I can call him my boyfriend. I’m afraid to push him away. His stubble is scratchy when he kisses my bare shoulder and I have to shudder which makes him chuckle behind me.
That sound makes me smile. The sound of him happy.
“Madox?” I whisper, staring ahead at a dresser that isn’t mine but one he filled with clothes for me. “What are we?” I don’t know what he’ll think of the question.
“We don’t have to put a label on it, Soph. Just let it be,” he tells me. It’s easy for him to let it be. He doesn’t understand how I feel. How could he?
I should tell him, but I’m ashamed, and it’s easier to run away from your everything, than it is to know that you’ve lost it.
Today
Okay,so I got drunk and slept with Madox.
And maybe it was more than sex.
And maybe I’m having a hard time pretending like I don’t still have feelings for him even if it’s not the same to him. Yes, I know we’ll never be able to be together because we simply aren’t on equal footing. He’s so much more than I will ever be.
