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“I don’t know how I feel about it all,” I whisper.
“You were on their list, Soph. They wanted you.”
“They’re going to find out. Everyone I work for is going to find out I was basically gifted my job.” That part hurts. It fucking hurts. “I love this job, and it’s a big deal to me.”
“Give it a week,” Madox says calmly. “No one knows, and you deserve to have time to show them what you can do.”
The idea of walking away from Lara Bolton and my dream job fucking kills me. I could learn so much from her. “I don’t want to give it up,” I tell him and he rubs his thumb along my wrist; I hope he never gives up that habit.
“Then stay, and my mother won’t be involved in any way.”
At his words and the harsh way they were spoken, I turn on my side, letting his hand go and face him. Tucking my hands under the pillow, I wait for him to look at me before asking, “Do you forgive her?”
“Which part?” he asks me and I feel a swell of sadness rise up my throat. I can’t even imagine how he feels. “She told my father to kill himself that night, and he did. It’s hard to forgive either of them.”
I watch as he swallows, his throat tightening and the small bits of stubble showing. “It doesn’t feel right. I feel like telling her I’m okay with her now is the same as saying what happened that night is okay, and that feels wrong to my father. But he wronged me first.”
His voice cracks and he covers his eyes with his hand for just a moment, breathing in deep. When he takes his hand away, his eyes look red, but there are no tears. “I don’t know how anyone can get past it.”
“I don’t think anyone wants you to get past it. I think your mother just wants you to forgive her for what you can,” I speak slowly, trying to keep my voice even and calm. Agony consumes me when I look at him like this. I never knew my hero was hurting. I wish when we were younger that we would have bared our souls to each other like we are now.
Everything would have been different if we weren’t so scared of losing each other.
In a way, we have his mother to thank for it. I can’t deny that.
Madox doesn’t reply for a while and I scoot closer to him, needing to feel my body against his.
“She brought you back to me,” he says after a moment and I nod my head against his chest. Wrapping his arm around me, Madox pulls me closer. “It’s hard to see her though. It’s difficult to imagine being on a friendly basis with her.”
“I can understand that,” I whisper and he pets my hair. “You’re doing really good just talking about it. You can take it day by day.”
Another minute passes.
“I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what she wants from me. We were never close. I was always my father’s son… which is why… fuck.”
Years ago, I held him like this as he mourned his father’s death. And tonight I do this same. Grief comes and goes. It’s not something that’s a singular notion. It’s constant.
“You should talk to her,” I barely speak the words. “You know I didn’t get along with my mom. But I wish I’d told her I loved her before she died.” My throat feels hot and my mouth dry as regret comes for me once again. “She wasn’t perfect, and she hurt me with some of the things she did… but I did love her, and I regret not making sure she knew it before she died.”
Madox holds me closer, tighter to him and plants a small kiss on my cheek. His touch is soothing.
“It’s not my place to interfere, but she loves you and I know she has regrets. You could see a therapist, maybe,” I offer, hoping he’ll see someone or try to talk to her. I don’t want him to live with any more regret than he already has.
I never knew how badly he hurt, and I don’t want that for him. He doesn’t deserve this pain.
“Can I just talk to you?” As I part my lips he adds, “And I’ll listen to my mother, or I’ll try to at least.”
“I think that sounds like a really good plan. If you do it.”
“I will.”
I give him a quick kiss while holding his hands as tight as I can. “Promise me.”
“I promise.”
Another moment passes where it’s quiet. My eyes feel heavier, my heart a tiny bit lighter, and my entire body feels warm next to him. He feels like home.
“I can’t tell you how badly I’ve wanted this for so long.”
