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"Ready to go?" Tony asks Sandra. Go? My heart speeds up, knowing we’re going to have the house to ourselves. I'm not sure if these nerves are from knowing I'm falling for him all over again, or if it's because I'm already turned on just thinking about what we could do when we're all alone. It’s weird having sex at his place with his mom there. It’s only happened twice, but each time when it’s over and I remember she’s in the house I get this weird feeling like we just did something wrong. I wish I could drop it and just go with the flow, but I absolutely can't. It feels disrespectful in some sense. So instead we’ve been naughty in the car on the way back to his place or here.Just like old times.
"Em, I'll be home later! Love you!" Sandra yells down the hall on her way out of the house. "Bye, Derek. See you later," she says a little quieter.
“Love you!” I yell back. My response is followed by the sound of the door closing, and Derek’s heavy footsteps in the hallway.
I get up to meet him and quickly smooth my hair before he enters the kitchen, butterflies in my stomach and my heart racing.
“Hi," Derek says with a smile as he enters the room. That smile. It brightens my world. I can't get enough of it. It’s a crime that he doesn’t smile all the time.
"Hi,” I greet as I stand on my tiptoes, planting a kiss on his lips as he wraps his arms around my waist. ‘’What are you doing here?" I ask, rocking on my feet.
He shrugs, looking past me for a moment and then back at me. "I have some time off, and I just wanted to hang out. Like we used to," he says as I wrap my arms around his neck. He leans in and kisses my neck. It’s that sensitive place that somehow seems connected to both my nipples and clit. I'm already primed for him.
He walks us over to the chair I was sitting in before he got here, sits easily and pulls me onto his lap.
"You're on break, so take a break with me," he says as he closes my book.
I look into his eyes. We need to talk about what's happening here. I lick my lips as my blood pressure climbs, and suck it up. I’m a grown ass woman. We aren’t two teens in puppy love. We’re adults, and we need to talk.
"I'm scared, Derek," I say honestly. I think back to my lectures. State what you’re feeling. Then explain why you’re feeling it, and how you wish for it to be resolved. It’s as simple as that.
"Of what, Sweetheart?" he says as he strokes my cheek. His eyes shine with sincerity, and a wrinkle forms right down the center of his forehead. It’s always there when he’s concerned. I trace it with my fingertip, wishing we didn’t have to have this conversation. I shift in his lap, knowing it’s for the best. Even if this isn’t going to work, it’s better that we get it out of the way now.
I close my eyes and clear my throat. "Of this, of us," I answer him.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "Don't think about it. Just go with it, Sweetheart." He kisses my neck again before I can respond, and I want to just go along with it. But I need to know what he's thinking, what we're doing here. I can’t just keep brushing this under the rug.
"You know I'm going back soon. In three weeks," I say, pulling away to look him in the eye. A part of me thinks this is all just temporary for him anyway. As soon as I leave, he'll have someone else. It's a small part though. If I really believed it, it would make ending this so much easier. If I thought I could just be replaced so easily by him. But I don’t think that. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t want to believe it.
His hands pause on my waist, his fingers gripping me a little tighter. "Yeah," he says suspiciously, that wrinkle returning.
"And then what?" I ask. That’s really where my problem lies. I need to know.
"Well, it's only one semester, right?" he responds.
"Yeah." What is he thinking? I can feel that damn wrinkle on his forehead form on mine. My heart seems to beat so loud that I can’t hear anything else. I wish it would shut up. I need to hear what he’s saying.
"That won't be long. Just a few months, and we can handle that," he says hopefully.
"I just don't want to start something, and then you go and fuck around-" the words come out so fast. I can’t help it. It’s what’s in my head, and I need him to tell me it’s going to be alright.
He grabs my face with both hands, forcing me to look at him. "I have never fucked around on you. I never will. I'm not interested in anyone else," he says, cutting me off. My breathing comes in faster.
"What is this between us?" I ask him. I stand up, pushing off his lap and getting out of his hold to put some space between us.
"I told you I want you." His voice is sincere as he grabs my hand, as if he needs to touch me to get through this.
"For now?"
He stands up and wraps his arms around my waist; I don’t deny him. "For however long we have." I hate that answer. I need something more than that, something concrete. But the way he says it reminds me of what he's going through. I have to close my eyes and try to focus on our conversation, but I can’t.
"Don't think about it, sweetheart. Just kiss me." His voice lowers as he pulls me closer to him.
I wish he would just say the words I’m thinking.I love you.It would make this so much easier. But that would be too good to be true. And I’m stupid for thinking it.For however long we have.
It’s so easy to do as he says. To just stop thinking. The way he presses his lips to mine makes me want to forget about everything and just be his for the moment and I take them greedily, needing to just get lost in his touch.
Just this moment.
