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My body chills at his statement. “She’s doing something different.” He’s always calls her Ma. Growing up next to each other, growing up so closely, she was his mother, too.
He grew up with his grandma, but she passed away a few years ago. She was never really there for him anyway. It wasn’t her fault; she just wasn’t ready to take care of a young kid when she was so old. His mom up and left though, leaving his grandma no choice.
“They’re trying this new thing.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose and waving my hand in the air, trying to remember what they called the pills. “It’s still chemo, just in pill form. They said it'll help without making her body so weak.”
“Is it helping?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” It’s acocktail. Another one. Just a different mixture of the same shit. I shake my head, trying not to think about it. Ma’s not looking any better. She says she’s not feeling any better either.
“I was talking to her yesterday,” Tony says casually. I know he's faking being relaxed though. He’s not looking at me; instead he’s looking out the window of the office. I know him well enough to know that he’s got something he doesn’t want to tell me. He’s holding back.
“Oh yeah?” I ask.
He takes a seat in the chair across from me. His body’s a little stiff, although he’s trying not to show it. It’s making me nervous. We share everything, and I don’t know what the hell’s going on with him right now.
“Yeah.” His fingers tap nervously against the armrest as he clears his throat. “She was asking about the special stuff.” The bastard has the nerve to look me in the eyes as he says that.
The special stuff.The shit that’s meant to make death fast and easy. Given in their sleep.
It means she’s asking for a way to die. My throat dries up instantly. I struggle to breathe, and I can’t even swallow. It’s not the first time she’s done this. I look away and out the window.
A few weeks ago she was asking me for it. Not outright, but just hinting around about it. I couldn’t take it. I don’t want her to talk like that. And I couldn’t let her do that to herself. I’m not letting her give up. She’s going to beat this.
“You better be careful, Tony,” I tell him slowly, finally facing him again. My voice is gruff. It almost cracks. I almost looked weak in front of him. I’ve never thought of him as an enemy, but right now, that’s exactly what he looks like to me. He throws his hands up in defense. Again he has the nerve to look me in the eyes. “I’m just telling you what she said.” He shakes his head somewhat, but there’s a look in his eyes I don’t trust. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I know.” My voice gets louder and I can’t help it, but my emotions are taking over. I hold onto the anger more than anything else. That’s the one I can handle.
I push back the sense of betrayal I feel over her for wanting to end it. For not trying. For being willing to leave me. I can’t take it. My voice cracks this time, but I don’t care as I say, “She’s gonna fight this.” My fist slams against the desk. “She’s going to beat this.” I feel unhinged, like a beast trapped in a cage, trying desperately to get out. Fighting just to live. Fighting for her to live.
“I hear you, Derek.” His voice is shaky, and his eyes glass over. “You know she’s my Ma, too.” The only thing that saves him right now is that he’s getting emotional. I stare at him for a long time without speaking, just breathing, trying to keep myself restrained. I hate that he even brought it up. What’s worse is I hate that it’s true. I don’t doubt him for a second. I’m sure she asked him for it.
“What’d you tell her?” I ask him.
“I told her I’d ask you.” This time he doesn’t look at me. He keeps his eyes trained on the pile of papers on my desk. His voice is low and full of pain. “She shouldn’t have to live like this.” I glare at him, willing him to look me in the eye, and give him a deadly look. “It’s spreading.” Although his voice is quiet, the words slam against me as though he screamed them.
“Shut up, Tony.” I get out of my chair so fast that it rolls back and it hits the wall hard behind me. I tower over him and shout, “Get out!” I stare at him, willing him to leave before I lose my shit and beat the piss out of him.
He gets up without a word. The only sound in the room is the scraping of the chair legs against the wooden floor.
I’m breathing heavy as he opens the door and then slams it behind him.
I spend thousands of dollars a month. I’ll spend thousands more. Whatever it takes, I’ll pay them. That’s worked for years. It’s what fueled my desire to rise to the top. It’s the only thing I’ve worked for. The only reason I took this path back then. I needed the cash. I needed to help her. She still needs me, but what else do I have to give her?
All the money in the world, and it can’t save her.
What good is it? What good is any of it?
I grip the desk to keep myself standing upright, my chest heaving with each breath. My eyes fall on the picture. The one of me and Emma, in the frame Ma gave me. I instantly reach for my phone and call her.
I need my sweetheart. I need her to take this pain away.
CHAPTER13
Emma
I’ve spent the last few days with Derek, as in barely leaving his sight; he only left this morning because he had to. Something’s wrong, but he won’t tell me what. I’ve seen his mom, and she isn’t telling me anything either.
Other than my paranoia, things are falling back into place, just like when we were back in high school except it isn’t a secret anymore. We spend most of our days tangled up together, but the same problems that ripped us apart are staring straight back at me. I don’t want to fall for him only to wind up brokenhearted. I can't handle going through what I went through last time, because it will be so much worse this time.
