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I shake my head and insist, “You can always do something. There’s always a choice. Even if you’re making the wrong choice, it’s up to you.”
“You’re wrong,” she says and stops rubbing the soothing circles on my back. She shakes her head, saying, “Sometimes you don’t get a say. Sometimes it’s just the way life is.”
In that moment I love her for her honesty, but I hate that she said it. I wish she’d just lied to me.
I close my eyes and reach for the whiskey, but her hand grips my wrist.
“Don’t do this, Derek,” she says with a strong voice. “You know she doesn’t want to see you like this. This isn’t the way to handle it.”
“I don’t want to see her like that!” I yell. My voice is harsh, and I instantly regret it. The look on Emma’s face is like I slapped her. The room is quiet for a long time. I swirl the whiskey around in the glass and then bring it to my lips. I just want to get lost in the alcohol. “Tell me what to do then, Emma,” I say in a low voice.
“First, you need to kiss me,” she says in a shaky voice. “You need to know that no matter what happens, I’m still gonna be here.” She takes the glass from my hand and dumps the whiskey down the sink, placing the glass on the countertop before looking back up at me. She pushes herself between the counter and my chest, her body touching mine.
I lower my head, putting my lips to hers as she cups my jaw. It’s not a kiss like any other kiss we’ve had, not at first. But she doesn’t let me go until I soften my lips. Until they mold to hers. My arms wrap around her small body. I hold onto her tightly as she kisses me back fiercely, refusing to let me go until I feel like I’m falling to pieces around her.
She finally pulls away from me, visibly swallowing, her eyes on my lips. She lays her head on my chest. “Some days are going to be hard.” She takes a deep breath. “Some days you’re not gonna know what to do. Some days you won’t even remember.”
I want to pull away from her at the last line, realizing what she’s talking about. But she holds me tighter, and she keeps going without waiting for me to even acknowledge how fucked up that sounds. I don’t wanna talk about what it’s going to be like when Ma’s gone.
“And when you realize you've forgotten, when you have a good moment and you realize that you weren’t thinking about her, you might even hate yourself.”
I suck in a breath; I hate thinking about this. I hate feeling like this.
“But she wants you to be happy, Derek.” She looks up at me, her hazel eyes pleading with me. The green swirls and blue specks shine brightly over the glassy tears in her hazel eyes. “She wants you to have a life after she’s gone.”
I shake my head. “I’m not ready for that,” I barely whisper, my voice breaking. “I promised her.” I wipe the bastard tears from my eyes, sniffling and trying to pull away from her, but she doesn’t let me. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to be the weak man I am right now. “I promised her when I was a kid that I’d make sure she’d be all right.” I take an unsteady breath, calming myself slightly at the memory. Pops had just left. I knew Ma wasn’t healthy, and the late nights at the diner were only draining the life from her faster. “I told her that she’d beat this. I promised her that she’d live to see a hundred.”
Emma parts her lips, but doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are filled with so much sadness. Her voice cracks as she says, “Some things are out of our control. You made a promise you can’t keep.”
* * *
I jogdown the stairs on my way out to go see Emma. I almost leave without saying bye to Ma. It’s pretty late and I know she went down for a nap earlier, but I want to make sure I see her before I go. It’s a good habit to be in, just so she knows where I am. I see her door's open as I walk toward it to stand in the doorway. My hands grip the molding on the outside, and I lean into the doorway slightly. “Hey, Ma.” I still feel like shit from the other day. It’s been a couple days since Emma was over and I could barely keep it together in front of Ma. She hasn’t mentioned it or brought it up though. That’s what Ma does, she never holds anything against me. It’s what she’s always done, and that’s what I do, too.
She looks up at me, the thin-rimmed glasses on her face slipping down her nose slightly. She closes the thick romance novel in her hands and sets it beside her. “You going out?” I take a few steps into the room, and she keeps on going. “Are you going to go see Emma tonight?” Her brows are raised, and I almost blush from the look on her face.
“I was going to.” I sag into the seat next to her bed.
“I think that girl is good for you, Derek,” she says as she nods her head slightly.
“You just like her because she likes your dirty books, too.” I nod at the book in her hands as I add, “She’s supporting your habit," I joke. I never thought the two of them would have something likethatin common.
“It makes me happy to see you so happy, Derek.” Ma’s voice is a little bit more serious. It catches me off guard.
I nod, looking at the thick comforter on Ma’s bed. “She definitely makes me happy. ”Ma’s pale blue eyes seem to get a little bit brighter as her expression softens. It’s a look I don’t remember ever seeing on her face. She clears her throat and brings the comforter up closer around her waist and picks her book back up. “You better go to her then,” she murmurs as she opens her book and pushes her glasses back up her nose. “That girl loves you, Derek; I can see it.” She doesn’t look at me as she says the words. She peeks up at me without moving her head as I rise from the seat. “And you love her too, don’t you?”
“Come on, Ma.” I shoo away her question, tossing my hand in the air and walking toward the door.
“Do your mama a favor and be honest with me right now. It’s something I need to know, Derek.” The look on her face is completely serious, and again I don’t anticipate it.
I think about it, really think about my feelings for Emma. But the truth is, I started loving her a long time ago, and I never stopped. This is nothing new; the love I have for her has been constant. It’s only grown if anything. I grip the handle on the door and nod my head as I say, “Yeah, Ma. I think I love her.”
Ma shakes her head slightly and says, “I know you do.” She sits back in her bed, getting comfortable. “Could you go ahead and shut that door for me, baby?”
I've been so used to her leaving it open, I didn’t think about closing it. “Yeah, love you, Ma.” She gives me a soft smile as she says, “I know you do. And I love you, too. Don’t you ever forget that.”
CHAPTER15
Emma
