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“Let me come with you. Let me be there for you,” I beg him while grabbing a pair of socks.
“Emma, I don't fucking have time for this! Stay here. I'll talk to you later,” he yells as he storms out of the room. I can’t believe him. I know he’s hurting right now, but he can’t just push me away like this. He knows as well as I do that he needs someone. I need someone too.
He’s not emotionally stable right now; he’s not going to be able to handle this. He’s hurting, and he needs someone. Everything in me is telling me that he’s going to need me. I run after him, banging the door against the wall and chasing him down the stairs.
The front door slams before I’m able to get to him. I stare at it, my mouth open and lungs barely functioning.
After a moment, my body starts trembling. I always listen to him. I never tell him no. And that’s my fault. It’s going to ruin me. But listening to him right now is going to ruinus. I can’t let it happen. I know it with everything in me.
I head back upstairs to put my sneakers on. I'm not going to listen to him this time. Fuck that. Something’s wrong, and he needs me.
I grab my phone to text Sandra to see if she knows what's going on. Hopefully, Tony told her about whatever’s going on with his mom.
I slow my steps, my heart pausing. His mom. I shake my head, my throat closing as I think about seeing her yesterday. No, she’s going to be okay. I swallow the spiked lump that’s suffocating me and ignore it. Brushing the tears from my eyes I throw my hair up into a bun, grab my wristlet and my keys then head downstairs.
I'm checking my phone what seems like every thirty seconds. For Sandra, for Derek. I just want to know what’s going on. I stifle the emotions threatening to cripple me. I focus on my breathing and on Derek snapping at me like that.
The anger comes back and it’s easy for me to ignore the pain.
I can't believe he expects me to just sit back and let him handle this on his own. He can't just push me aside and take on something like this alone.
I climb in my car, the freezing cold sending a chill down my spine, turning my breath to fog in front of my face, and my phone dings. Sandra finally texted me back. I turn the key, bringing my car to life before checking her text.
My mouth goes dry and my heart stops when I read her message, my entire body feeling like ice; Derek’s mom died.
CHAPTER16
Derek
My eyes fucking hurt from crying. I wish I could make it stop, but I can’t. She can’t be gone. I just saw her this morning. I just talked to her before I went to Emma’s.
I press my palms to my eyes, hating the bitch tears.
I knew she was going to leave me soon, but I didn’t want to believe it. Nothing could prepare me for this. There’s an emptiness inside my chest that I don’t think will ever be filled. And if it is, I don’t want to live to see that day.
Tony’s in the corner of the room with red-rimmed eyes. His nose is red, too. He has a box of tissues that’s half gone. The rest are crumpled up in the trashcan.
It’s just the two of us; Ma’s not here anymore.
They pronounced her dead and took her away. They said she died in her sleep.
I stand up and walk to the window of the dining room, looking out at the snow. It’s going to be cold when we bury her. I guess that’s the way it should be.
I take in a ragged breath. Emma’s been helping me. She’s been preparing me. It’s different for her since it’s not her mother. But she has a softness about her. A way that she eases reason into me. I didn’t want to let go of Ma.
But I knew it was coming. Everyone knew what was coming. I wish I could’ve fought it for her. I wish I could’ve traded places with her. My heart clenches in my chest and another sob threatens to go through me, but I shut it down.
The cops and ambulance just left. It’s funny how people look at you when your mother’s gone. No one’s looked at me like that since high school. Maybe even since before then. Maybe since middle school when I’d show up with bruises on my arms from when Pops used to beat me. Maybe it’s really been that long since someone has looked at me with such sympathy in their eyes.
I can’t take it.
I don’t want to see that look in Emma’s eyes. I don’t want her here. I don’t want her to see me like this. There’s an anger brewing inside me, threatening to come out. What’s worse is that I want it. I want to unleash. I don’t want to feel anything but that rage. It'd be so much better than feeling everything else. If I could feel nothing, I’d much rather that. But I’ll settle on the anger for now.
“She begged me.” Tony’s words pull my focus from the snow falling outside and bring me back to him. I turn to look at him, trying to make sense of what he just said. He’s not looking at me. He’s hunched forward in his seat. He’s still crying. He’s still fucked up.
“She knew you wouldn’t,” he says in a jagged voice. His words slowly hit me. I stand still next to the cold window. The air has a hint of the freezing chill that gently blows against my skin. It keeps me frozen in place as I watch him.
“She could feel herself slipping. She didn’t want you to see her like that. She was ready.”
