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I could ask her which part. In here, or in the interview. But I don’t want to know. I want it all to go away. The thing about letting your anger slip out in the form of words is that they can’t be taken back. All the hurt and pain inflicted will always be remembered.
And we’re both guilty of that.
CHAPTER14
Harlow
Ten years ago
November 10
The lightning bugs under the trees light up the night far more than I thought they would. Other than pale moonlight that’s scattered by the remaining leaves, it’s dark in the back of the car, but not nearly as dark as I imagined it would be. I thought there were more trees up here. It’s been a long time since I’ve come up here to the running trails.
It’s beautiful still.
It doesn’t change the fact that my first time will be in the back of a car on Fairview Hill.
“Is it your first?” Nathan asks me. My heart races as Nathan sits up and pushes the front seat further up to give us room. We planned this, but I’m still scared. It’s stupid. It’s just sex. But it’ll change everything. I know it will. And I want Nathan to be my first and only. I love him. And even if he hasn’t said it back, I know he loves me too.
“Yeah,” I finally answer him in a breath, taking my eyes away from the scenery and then looking into his dark eyes. They seem lighter tonight for some reason. “I’ve never had sex before,” I tell him as I prop up on my elbows.
He licks his bottom lip at my answer but doesn’t say anything else and it makes my heart pound harder and anxiety race through me.
“Don’t worry,” he tells me gently as he leans down to rest his forehead against mine. He kisses me once, quick and chaste as he rubs his thumb along my jawline. “I’ve got you.” He keeps telling me that and in my head, I imagine he really means that he loves me.
We’re sprawled out in the backseat. I hide my laugh under my hand as Nathan hits his head on the ceiling again as he tries to take his shirt off.
“Do we have to get all the way naked?” I ask him and then try to play it off like it’s not that serious. But I don’t want to out here. Not with this much light and knowing someone else could come.
“You want me to just pull your skirt up?” he asks me and I feel stupid. I turn my head to stare at the backseat and try to shake off all these nerves.
“Hey, we don’t have to do this,” he tells me and that makes me feel even worse.
I reach up and rest my wrists around the back of his neck. “I want to,” I tell him honestly. I’m scared and I don’t tell him that, but I truly and deeply want him. More than anything, I want him to have me any way I can give myself to him.
“You know I love you even if you don’t want to?” he tells me, saying words I’ve wanted to hear for so long, as if they’re natural to us. My chest warms with something I can’t describe. I’m too vulnerable and emotional when it comes to Nathan, but it’s all for him and I’ll never hold anything back.
* * *
“Take two!”Stevens yells from my right, off the set and sitting in an oversized chair a few feet off the ground. From the corner of my eye, I can see the cameras panning and moving slowly as I stalk across the set. Letting my fingers trail along the hotel dresser, I continue the take.
It’s supposed to be a cheap hotel and I lift up my fingers, circling my thumb along my pointer and middle finger, as if there was debris or dust along the wooden top before moving my eyes to Nathan.
It’s our fourth scene today and we have two more after this.
The metal case in my hand is heavy. Earlier it was light because it was empty, but now it’s filled with money I owe him. My lips curl into a smile as the irony dawns on me.
That we’re playing parts, and he’s blackmailing me.
I pick up the case and lay it on the dresser as I hear the bed creak, knowing he’s getting up and walking toward me, although my character doesn’t. I keep my eyes on the case and the clicks of the locks fill my ears as my thumbs slide the locks back.
He comes up behind me just as I open it, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and my hip.
“It’s all there?” he asks in a deep, rough voice I love. His hand is hot on my neck, commanding and I welcome it.
Out of instinct, my head falls back and my eyes slowly meet his. I swear my heart beats slower, or maybe it’s just that time has slowed.
“It’s all there,” I murmur and my voice is soft, low, and full of emotion and I question it, wondering if it’s loud enough for the mics. But the look in Nathan’s eyes silences me.
