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Next, he tried to speak up, but without being so blunt.
And he only ended up being angry and loud. Even Eliza, who’d been on his side up until then, agreed he couldn’t speak in such a manner as that.
After nearly two hours, even as the family continued to throw well-meaning advice his way, Seth let his head fall back, and he silently growled at the ceiling.
It was an ornately decorated ceiling, too.Who decorates a ceiling?
Honestly, how much money did a person have to have before they thought to themselves,I think I’ll waste my hard-earned blunt by adding flourishes whereno onewill ever bother to look. Yes, that sounds quite delightful.
It was nonsense.
All of it was.
Not just the fine furnishings or the expensive jackets he had to wear every place in London, or even the pointless ceiling decorations.
He among society here in London—that was the most nonsensical of them all. He didn’t belong here. It was a grand idea to try and convince the committee, or any part of society, that a connection between him and Charlotte should not reflect badly on her.
But the truth was, in many ways, society was right. He wasn’t equal to Charlotte. He wasn’t even truly equal to his daughters or their husbands. Not anymore.
He shut his eyes, the voices of everyone in the room washing over him, but he heard no more than a muffled din. He should have left London weeks ago. But, hang it all, he couldn’t seem to drag himself away from Charlotte.
Ever since their secret meeting at the ball, he hadn’t been able to get the feel of dancing with her out of his head. Every bell chime reminded him of the music of that night. Every time he pulled on gloves, he was reminded of holding her in his hands.
He’d chosen to stop being only a friend for a single night, and it was proving near impossible to return to being only friends ever since. Whatever part of his brain had convinced him to dream of there being more between him and Charlotte should be tried, found guilty of lethal indulgence, and hanged.
Worse still, ever since that night, he wasn’t certain if hewouldbe able to continue as only a friend anymore. It was the very reason he’d avoided Charlotte since then, only coming across her at Hyde Park by a cruel trick of fate. He would have avoided her tonight as well, except Dinah and Henry had shown up on his doorstep that afternoon and all but dragged him over.
Still, the desire to hold Charlotte again pulsed inside him, heady and strong. What he wouldn’t give to have her close, to tell her all she meant to him. How lovely she was to him, how vital.
The only way he kept himself in check was by focusing on how he’d failed his first wife. He’d let her down, he hadn’t been enough to save her.
Already, association with him was proving detrimental to Charlotte. He wouldn’t be a source of trial for her as well. He wouldn’t be the reason she lost standing among her friends. He wouldn’t be the reason she no longer was able to help the orphaned girls she loved so dearly. He wasn’t concerned for her health as he had been for his first wife, but he would be taking life away from Charlotte all the same if he was the reason the committee turned their collective backs on her.
In many ways, he felt his current connection with his daughters—even with them all being married to respectable gentlemen—caused them problems. They were seen as less among their peers because he was their father.
What was so wrong with him? Though there was little similarity between his life now and his life of twenty years ago, there was so much that was horribly the same. What was it about him that always led to him hurting the women he loved? Why could he never be enough? He’d labored hard his whole life to try and be equal to someone—his late wife, his daughters, now Charlotte. No matter what, he only ever ended up being the man who brought them down.
He wasn’t enough. No matter what he did, he simply was not enough.
He suddenly realized the room had stilled, how long ago he wasn’t certain. But no one was talking now.
Slowly, Seth raised his head. Great. Everyone was watching him. Again.
He let out a long breath and rested his hands atop the table. They were clearly waiting for him to say something.
“Very well,” he began, giving himself another moment to think. “I shall take everyone’s thoughts into consideration.” He pushed himself to a stand. This was getting them nowhere. “But for now, I think I need a drink.” With no more than that, he removed himself to a room far, far away.
