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She turned the first few pages, feeling a wave of emotion as she saw her father’s writing, talking about his dream and how it was not going to be. But the dream was still there, and he hoped that someone in future generations would do it for his family. Isabel looked at her mother.
“Do you think Father was happy as he was?”
“You mean, did he regret not going on a ship and risking his life? A little bit.” Lady Dunley picked at a piece of thread on her sleeve. She looked sorrowful. “He also wished that he could turn his back on the expectations of Society. He didn’t want to be a viscount, but that’s what Society demanded. To him, wealth meant nothing if he couldn’t find any joy in it.”
“I ... I never knew about that.”
“It’s not something he’s going to discuss with anyone, even his own daughter.”
“Was he happy with you?”
Her mother smiled.
“He was. There are long passages in his journals where he speaks about me at length. While he didn’t often say it out loud, he did love me. And I loved him.” Her smile faded. “But I had no idea how bad his gambling had become. How much in debt we were. He kept that away from me.”
“Did you know he liked to gamble?”
“On occasion, but nothing like this.” Lady Dunley shook her head. “I think it was his own way of trying to push back the fact he had given up pursuing a passion of his.”
Isabel frowned.
“You believe he gambled as badly as he did because he couldn’t have what he wanted?”
“I think he was in a self-destructive situation, and he was trying to get rid of the wealth he hated so much. It just took everything else with it, including his own life.”
Isabel didn’t know what to say. She had never thought about it like that before. She had thought her father had a problem with gambling, not that he used it to cover up the pain he felt for not pursuing what he wanted. She reached for the chair behind her and sat down.
“And why are you telling me this now? Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Just that I want you to keep this in mind while you think about your future.” Lady Dunley sat forward. “I don’t want you to go into something you don’t want to pursue and be unhappy. Sometimes, you need to keep hold of who you really are and think about what you want, not what should be desired of Society.”
“You mean I shouldn’t marry wealth, and I should marry someone I love.”
“Not in so many words.”
Was she trying to tell Isabel to break the engagement? Isabel stared at her mother.
“But ... what about you? We agreed that this was what we needed to make sure we were financially secure. You told me this was the only thing to do.”
“I did, but then I saw how unhappy you were under it all. And I don’t want you to be unhappy. I want my daughter back, the one who is not bothered by Society’s restraints and just does her own thing. It might have driven me mad in the past, but that was you. I don’t want to lose my daughter’s true self.”
“But what about you? What will happen to you if I do what I want?”
Her mother gave her a small smile.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of myself.”
“But …”
“I’m a grown woman, Isabel. I’ve got an idea in place for me that will secure my future.” She gestured at the journal. “Just focus on yourself and what you want for your future. If you do that, I can assure you that you’ll be happier.”
Isabel didn’t know about that, but what her mother said made so much more sense. And, she had to admit, the thought of turning her back on what Society wanted for her and doing her own thing was tempting.
She stared at the journal. Her father had wanted it for himself, but he had given in and stayed within the confines, which had resulted in him turning to gambling to hide the pain of his regret. Could she do that to herself?
Turning to the first page, Isabel began to read.
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