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I do think that he shaped my doubts about myself when it came to men. I was always seeking love, but they all used that and just wanted sex. When I started getting to know Dexter it felt like I was getting the attention I always wanted from my father and that grew my attraction toward him. He could always see when I was down and always knew words to say to lift my spirits. I knew that the feelings I felt were one-sided, but I still think of how it could have ended if he was the one I married if I never met Andrew. When I turned eighteen, I searched him up online a few times and saw that he was still in a relationship with the same woman from when I started my senior year. After I started my second year of school, I couldn't find him online anymore and didn't think anything of it at the time. I was happy with Andrew, but I did grow curious from time to time.
When the time came to finally head over to my parents for dinner, I made sure to grab my wine. When I arrived at my childhood home and stepped through the front door it was like I was blasted back in time. My parents hadn't changed anything in our three-bedroom two story house since I was fifteen years old.
My mother is in the kitchen still cooking and my father is in his recliner watching TV with a beer. I say hi to him and he turns and says hi back but that's all I get. I head to the kitchen to see if my mother needs any help with dinner. She is frantically running around trying to get everything ready. I don't know why she does this to herself; she loves hosting dinners and parties but gets so worked up when it comes to time management. Somehow, she always pulls it off on time though. After helping mom for thirty minutes, we have everything set up and Aunt Susan arrives right on time. We all sat at the dinner table to the delicious turkey dinner my mother made for us.
My mother and Susan are talking away, and I decide to wait until someone asks me how I am before telling them about school. I know my mother will not like the idea of me moving out of state, but I guarantee she will be calling me every week like she does now. My father and aunt Susan are talking politics and that's when mom takes her shot to ask me how I’ve been. I know she wants to know more about the divorce with Andrew, but we both, Andrew and I decided to tell everyone that it was amicable. It just saved so much on explaining everything to everyone. If I'm being honest, I didn't want to paint Andrew as a bad guy either. He made his way up into an executive position in his dad's company so it would look bad if he was painted a cheating liar. Even though I resent his choices, and he broke my heart, he was still my friend.
This was my time to just get the info out on the table and see what happens afterwards. I don't know why I'm so nervous to tell them that I got into my dream school for writing. It's something that should make me excited.
“I've been good, great actually! I have some exciting news to tell you all.” I hear the table get quiet after I say that, and my mother’s face lightens up.
“I have been accepted into my master’s program for creative writing”
I smile bigger than ever after those words leave my mouth knowing that my dream is finally happening. I hesitantly span around the table looking at the expressions on their faces. My father’s face hasn’t changed at all, my mother’s smile is gone, and she looks confused now, but my aunt is smiling so big, in that moment, I am so grateful she is here right now.
“That is great news sweetie! I always knew you loved writing, ever since you were a little girl.” Aunt Susan says to break the silence and try to get the awkwardness gone.
“What jobs can you do with that degree?” My mother finally says after she has some time to process the information.
“I am going to use it to publish my writing, I want to be an author.”
I say this with the most confidence I have ever used in my entire life. I can see my mother take a deep breath but then she surprises me with her response.
“If that is what you truly want to do then I support your decision! What school is this for?” I'm so shocked that I almost don't hear her ask where.
“I’ll be going to John Hopkins in Baltimore.”
I can see the hesitation in her smile when I say Baltimore. I’ve never veered that far from home before, and this is a big jump for my dream life. The rest of the dinner is a series of questions about the school and my plans. I'm relieved that they don’t doubt my plans and are happy for me, or at least act like they’re happy.
Chapter Five
I’ve got my suitcase packed in the car and I have to be at the airport at 10am. I figured saving gas by flying would be the better choice. Since I’ll be on my own soon. I’ve received all my books and supply lists for my classes. I tried to search my teachers up online so I could have a face to the name, but my creative writing teacher was still tba.
That class is the one I’m the most excited for. Being able to show my creative side through writing is my passion. The last time I was able to do that was back in high school. Mr. Laclaire was the best English teacher I could have asked for. I wrote so many papers my senior year and felt the closest to my passion then. Every time I submitted a paper, I was always reserved about the reader liking my work. Dex always reassured me when he praised my writing.
I remember when we had to read how To Kill a Mockingbird and write about the meaning of the book. I found this intriguing because the book had so many interpretations depending on the reader. I knew then that I wanted my writing to have meaning like that. I wrote about Atticus’s quote “before I can live with other folks, I’ve got to live with myself.” Thinking about how I always did everything for others to make sure they were happy made me think of the quote. I want to do right by everyone all the time, but I somehow lost myself in the process. I drift off thinking about this man that helped me with so many hard times in my life.
I can still remember his face when he asked me to stay to discuss my paper. How the corner of his lips turned upward showcasing his dimples. The amusement in his eyes when he read parts of my essay back to me. We spent most of our after-school time nerding about the book.
Looking into his eyes I could feel the heat in my cheeks and the flutter in my stomach. Knowing that I had something in common with Dexter Laclaire made me both excited and hot. He kept telling me how good my writing was and everything I wanted everyone to tell me. He always said the right things at the right time, and he always was there when I needed someone. I thought that he was just doing his job by being there for me. Throughout the year I found that he was more than just a teacher to me.
He became my friend, and I confided in him, went to him with so many problems.
That one interaction has shaped my life in more ways than he will ever know! I even got a mockingbird tattooed on my right wrist to remind me. To always do good by others but to never forget my self-happiness either. A lot of people wouldn’t understand why that day was so significant to me, but it had flipped a switch in me.
We connected on a new level that day and being able to talk about one of my favorite books in that way was thrilling. Nobody else was as enthusiastic about books as Dexter was. I wanted to stay later at school to just talk to him about books all the time. I know it’s weird seeing a seventeen-year-old always spending time with someone ten years older than them, but I didn’t see it like that.
I never told him how I felt about him, in the more than friends’ sense. I told him all the time that he was my best friend, and he would always laugh, and we would end up talking about Isabelle and Ilene.Part of me thought that he felt the same, but my head would tell me I was crazy. Sometimes when he would look at me a certain way, I swear my heart would leap out of my chest.
If he did feel the same, he never told me.
???
I told Christian Monday that I had been accepted to school for writing and he looked so puzzled. I could tell he was trying to piece things together but wasn’t getting it. I told him that I was going to Baltimore this weekend to get everything settled and that’s when it finally clicked for him.
He looked so hurt when he realized that I was going to be leaving the office. I really didn’t want to leave this job since finding a new one would be rough with not a lot of time left before school starts.
“So, you’re moving to Baltimore for school?” I nodded my head in response to Christian and said yes.
