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Lucy climbs over the seat and wraps her arms around me. She doesn’t say anything, just holds me as the tears burst out.
I cling to her, pressing my face against her chest as the tears won’t stop. They keep coming.
After what feels like forever I pull myself together.
I lean back, coughing another sob away, shaking my head.
“I haven’t cried in years,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey.”Lucy holds my shoulders firmly. “What did we say about the S-word? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
“Lucy, you don’t understand. If we’d never had that fight….”
“And if we hadn’t run out of milk, Dad would still be here,” she snaps. “There are alwayswhat ifs. I won’t have this.”
“Have what?”
“You beating yourself up.” She’s blazing with passion now, sitting up in my lap, staring down at me. “It’s not right. You don’t deserve it. It’s not like you were driving the car. It’s not likeyouwere driving high with your daughter in the car. Jesus, I can’t even imagine doing that.”
She trails off, wincing, as though she thinks I’ll be offended.
“Don’t worry. I can’t imagine doing it either.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“I can,” I tell her. “I do.”
“But you couldn’t know.” She takes my face in her hands, making me look at her. “You understand that, don’t you? You had no way of knowing it would happen.”
“I should’ve called the cops,” I snap. “I was going to. But then….”
She sighs. “They called you.”
“Yeah.”
“What would they have done in such a short time? Whatcouldthey have done?”
I let my head fall back on the headrest. Her hands slide down my cheeks, and she repeatedly braces herself on my shoulders.
My hand comes to rest on her leg, keeping the contact there, needing her to anchor me with her presence and her compassion.
“You just want to blame yourself,” she says. “But you can’t. I won’t let you.”
I smirk. “You won’tletme?”
“I’ll stop you. Every time I see you getting all broody like you’re thinking about how it’s your fault, I’ll do something to distract you.”
I grab her hips and bring her to me. “I thought they’d hate me, the person I ended up telling this to, I mean. I thought they’d fuckingdespiseme.”
“That’s just proof you’ve let it bounce around that gorgeous head of yours for too long.”
I chuckle, and she grins. I know that’s what she wanted. To make me laugh.
I’m so grateful for it. So grateful for her.
“I’ve never been called gorgeous before.”
“Well, there’s a first time for everything.”
