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After our turn of sliding down the slippery rocks in fits of laughter, Rhia and I dragged our worn-out bodies back to the top, where most of our group was sunbathing on large boulders. The only free spot was next to Giuseppe, and I happily took it.
I sat down… and jumped up, screaming the next second.
Drumroll for the inevitable eye rolls, please.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I sat on another unsuspecting animal.
A lizard, to be precise.
But that’s not where the embarrassment stopped. No, not at all. It’s where it started.
Grrrrrr.
The lizard, a lovely earth-colored camouflaged one, got the fright of its life and fled as soon as my squashing weight lifted off it. Searching for shelter, it ran for the closest dark spot… it probably thought it was a cave when in fact it was Giuseppe’s shorts.
With an unmanly screech, he shot up like a rocket, trying to shake out the lizard—without success.
Protective of his privates, our tour guide panicked and whipped down his shorts, doing a crazy dance as if his feet were on fire. And I, along with the rest of our group, took in the spectacle open-mouthed… he wasn’t wearing underwear.
I really wish this is where the story ends, but no.
The little creature, in an attempt to hang on and probably scared to death, bit down with a vice-like grip… on Giuseppe’s ball sack.
What a sight!
Giuseppe’s dancing went ballistic, pun intended, as he jumped about wide-legged with a lizard dangling from his sack. Half the group, mostly the men, watched on cringing, while the rest bent over laughing. I was in the first group, Rhia, in the second.
Being the closest person to Giuseppe and trying to be helpful, I fell to my knees in front of him and grabbed the tail of the lizard. Trying to ignore the jiggling penis right in front of my eyes, I pulled.
Giuseppe screamed. And the lizard let go. My instincts had me fling the creature as far away as possible… a bit like a frisbee.
The only problem? There was an obstacle in my trajectory path. Namely, an Italian woman in her early thirties.
Kill me now!
The frightened lizard didn’t land on her clothing. No, worse than that. It landed in her hair. But the raven-haired woman was quick to react and flicked it off without losing her cool.
The lizard shot off over the rocks and disappeared into a crevice.
I watched all this before turning back to Giuseppe… just to come intimately close with his junk… my nose literally being only inches away. I think I stopped breathing, so as to not inhale his smelly, sweaty odor.
We both realized our precarious position at the same time, and he took a step back, lost his balance and fell backward onto a spikey plant… naked bum first.
Ouch!
Shoot me now. Earth swallow me up. A lightning bolt strike me down… PLEASE!
Rhia couldn’t stop laughing, but I was mortified. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, and when the tour was over, I gave Giuseppe a hefty tip… not that this would make up for what happened.
Let’s just hope nobody caught this on film, or I’ll become an overnight internet sensation.
The day’s activities and the lizard nutcracker incident kept my mind occupied enough to not think of Tiero… well, not too much, anyway.
Now that we’re back at our hotel and the evening is drawing closer, my nerves are back. “I think I should cancel dinner,” I mumble as I face plant exhausted onto my bed. Rhia follows, stuffing a pillow under her head.
“We’re not having this conversation again,” Rhia murmurs, exasperated. “No way are you wiggling your way out of this. I want you to get laid tonight. It will help you relax after today’s events,” she slurs, yawning, fatigue catching up with her. “Let’s just have a little power nap. I’ll set the alarm.”
A loud noise startles us awake, and we sit up in bed. Looking disorientated, Rhia’s hair is all over the place, but I’m sure I look no better.
