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I’m numb. My mind is blank.
My hand goes to my chest, over the spot where my heart is.Beat for me. Please keep beating for me… until another heart is found.
But what are the chances of that? Almost non-existent.
Doctor Miller assured us that the search for a donor heart for me has begun. But how long will that take? Do I have to stay here hooked up to machines until the day that search is successful… or my heart gives up?
Which one will come first? The latter, if I had to guess.
What kind of existence is that? I might as well be dead now. Then at least I don’t have to see the people I love suffer with their worry for me.
But there is a chance, however small, that a miracle will occur and the right heart will appear. And while that chance exists, hope does too. Ade is clinging to that. And for his sake alone I cannot give up.
He hasn’t said much so far, too lost for words and in shock. He just held me tight, reluctant to let go of me for even the minute it took to hook me up to the monitors.
Though he’s left now to fetch some of my things from my apartment; Doctor Miller wouldn’t even let me go home for that.
“Ella? Did you hear me?” Rhia’s voice brings me back from my thoughts.
I have to tell her.
My chest constricts painfully, my hand patting the spot as if this could soothe the ache. The machines beep a little faster, reminding me… no exertion, no excitement.
How the fuck am I meant to do that? How can everything go so wrong when things were just falling into place?
“You shouldn’t do that,” I say slowly.
“Why on earth not? And what’s all that beeping? Where are you?” Rhia asks.
I have to tell her. I have to tell Rhia.
But I can’t… physically I can’t. My throat closes over. I try to swallow the tears that want to spill free, but it’s too tight. I can’t…
I take a deep breath to calm down. “It would be premature,” I finally force out. There’s pain in my throat now. I don’t want to speak the words.
“Why? You’re there. And it will be easier for Lex with his job.”
“Rhia… don’t think of me. You need to do what makes you most happy. You’ve got your business in Dublin, and it’s booming. You’d be silly to leave it now.”
“It would make me most happy to be near you. Why are you trying to talk me out of this? I thought you’d be ecstatic.”
There’s no holding back the tears now. They’re streaming down my face while my body shakes with sobs.
“El, what’s going on? Are you and Aiden okay? Has Tiero turned up again?”
I don’t answer right away. I can’t, the lump too firmly lodged in my throat.
“El?” Rhia’s worried voice echoes through the phone. “You’re freaking me out.”
She’s going to be a hell of a lot more freaked out in a moment.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
Commotion by the door has me looking up. Aiden enters the room, a big bunch of sunflowers in hand… they only make me cry harder.
When he sees me, he drops the flowers and rushes towards me, looking worriedly at the heart rate monitor.
“Ella? What’s wrong?”
