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I close my eyes, and part of me prays it’s for the last time. I can’t deal with all of this sadness coming my way.
I do wake up again. And as much as I despaired before, I’m glad.
Aiden sits by my bed, reading on his phone. His eyes are red rimmed. He’s been crying. I’ve never seen him cry, but then we really haven’t known each other terribly long. My heart goes out to him. He doesn’t deserve this.
“Are you regretting that you pursued me?” I whisper. His eyes lift to mine. His face is a mask of composure now. Fake it till you make it.
But he can’t hide his turmoil from me. I feel it; how could I not? We’re so connected.
The pain is overwhelming… suffocating even. What am I doing to this beautiful man? Guilt eats at me.
“Never,” he says, reaching for my hand. “Even if I had known about all the things we would have to face together, I would always want you to be mine.”
“You deserve better… someone with less baggage, who can make you happy, not someone who only brings misery and trouble.”
He kisses the top of my hand, shaking his head. “There is no one better for me. You’re it.” I smile sadly at him. I so badly want to have a life with him, and now everything is on hold.
I change topics. Only heartache awakes if I let myself go down the path of my thoughts. Though I doubt the next subject is going to be any better. “How did Rhia take the news?”
Aiden gets up from the chair and sits down on the bed next to me, careful of the cables and drips connected to me. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close.
“Not well,” he admits, but I didn’t expect otherwise. “She’s in shock, like the rest of us. She and Lex will be here tomorrow evening.”
I say nothing. Of course, nothing would stop Rhia from rushing to my side. Fresh tears run down my face, and Aiden hugs me tighter.
“I’m sorry.” I hiccup. “I’m sorry for putting you through this.”
“Stop, lucida. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
Hearing him call me lucida has me crying harder. “Soon, I’ll truly be your star… shining down on you from heaven.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that. There’s a solution. There always is.” He’s trembling, barely able to contain himself.
I pull away from his embrace to glance up at him.
“Aiden, you have to accept that there might not be,” I argue. “You heard the doctor. The chances of finding a heart for me are minuscule. My days are numbered.”
He runs his hands through his hair, pulling on it.
“I will never accept that. You are alive. And you and I will have a long and happy life together. I will not lose you.” He yells the last part.
I’ve never seen Aiden lose control. I throw my arms around him as best as I can and pull him tight against me, letting his pain bleed into me.
I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Minutes pass or maybe it’s hours… but I’m holding on. Holding on to what we have while we have it.
Tears glisten in his eyes like sparkling stars when he pulls away. “My life is worth nothing without you, Ella,” he whispers. “I would die so that you could live.”
My eyes well up immediately. I shake my head from side to side almost violently, making the tears spill over. “No, Ade. No,” I push out through the boulder in my throat.
“No matter what, you must live. You’re the best man I know.” I frantically wipe at my face with the palm of my hands before reaching over and cupping his face, caressing his cheeks with my thumbs. “I love you so much! I need to know you'll live on… for me, please.”
Frantically, I crush my lips against his in a desperate kiss. I never want to let go.
The beeping of the heart monitor is rapidly getting faster and Aiden pulls away, looking worried. “No excitement… I’m sorry, lucida. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Let’s breathe together.” He takes my hand and guides us both through some relaxation exercises. They do the trick, and by the time Monique comes to check in on me, my heart rate has stabilized.
“You need to ring Gualtiero,” Aiden suddenly says. “He deserves the truth. That, and he’ll move heaven and earth to find a heart. He has connections we don’t. If anybody can do it, it’s him.”
