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“Oh, Ash. I understand you’re devastated right now, but this is just a cloudy day. Sunshine will come to your doorstep and brighten everything, I promise.”
“You don’t understand, Claudette,” I sob, clutching the phone to my ear.
“Then explain it to me,” she says patiently.
“That baby… its potential existence was one of the reasons I left the man I love. And now I have nothing left of him but my memories. I miss him so goddam much.” I’m crying harder now, my chest so tight, I fight for breath.
“I know you do, and I know you loved the idea of that baby. But at least now you won’t have to be a single parent. Remember how worried you were about providing for the two of you?”
She has a point. I was. Bringing this back to my mind helps slow the waterworks.
“And you have a purpose. It’s rebuilding your life. You’re still so young, Ash. Many good things will come your way. And never forget, your soul has a mission, and it’s guiding you accordingly.”
“If you’re talking about drunken Gandalf’s riddle… that’s nebulous. It’s nothing concrete I can work toward. Uniting all the parts of my soul… I don’t even understand what that means or what those parts are.”
“All will become clearer. Maybe even soon. I sense all the components are assembled and are steadily coming together. Trust your instincts, Ash. They will not lead you astray.”
“Can’t you give me something more specific? Something that makes sense?” I plead.
“I’m sorry, darling. It’s all I’ve got. Be patient and trust that all is as it should be. And never ever forget, you’re not alone in this.”
We talk some more and then hang up. All my anger has vanished, as has some of my sadness.
Last night I thought my life had changed yet again in an instant, but it really hasn’t. Everything is still the same.
It’s my expectation for the future that has changed. As Claudette pointed out, I now won’t have to be a single parent. And really, that is a relief.
I won’t have to live in fear of what would happen if Tiero found out he had a child. I won’t have to worry about whether peanut’s genes carry the darkness Tiero unleashes in the world.
I let out a deep sigh.
Still, I want a piece of Tiero that’s all mine.
There’s a strange emptiness inside of me. I cradle my stomach, wishing peanut had been real. I realize just how much I loved the idea of him. I would have gladly taken on all those worries for him and protected him with my life.
But now I don’t have to, and that isn’t so bad, is it?
Guilt floods me for even thinking this.
Fuck, somebody just shut off my mind! These opposing thoughts and emotions are driving me crazy.
I never imagined I’d say this, but I want to run. I need physical exercise to dispel this turmoil.
I go to my walk-in wardrobe and pull the exercise gear from my bag and lace up my runners. I spotted a park across the street when we arrived yesterday… it’s time to explore it.
I head to the bathroom to brush my hair and pull it together at my nape. My appearance is shocking. I’m all blotchy from crying, my eyes red-rimmed and sad. I wash my face and apply some cream, but I still look like a mess.
Ah well, not much I can do about it. And who cares anyway? It’s not like I know anybody here. Still, I put on a cap that somewhat hides my face in the shadow of its bill.
That will have to do.
A knock on the door startles me just as I’m about to open it. I check who it is.
Aiden.
And he’s holding the biggest bunch of sunflowers.
Oh, Claudette! You are a legend.
