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And off he went. A litany of misdemeanours, funny looks and petty theft. The whole place run by witches and harridans, whatever a harridan is, the TV lounge a gangsters’ hall of fame, if you were to believe half of it, which I didn’t. I let him get it out of his system, made soothing noises as best I could. The care assistant brought him a cup of pond water by the looks of it and some flaccid Rich Tea biscuits, which seemed to calm him down a bit. Don’t mind me spitting feathers in the corner, I thought but didn’t say.
‘All right, love?’ she said to Dad, and, ‘Let it cool, love, yeah?’ and, ‘I’ll pop your biccies here for you, love, all right?’
I didn’t like the way she spoke to him, as if he was stupid as well as deaf when he’s neither. I could see she was near the end of her shift, probably thinking she still had to get to the supermarket before she went home, that she’d do spaghetti bolognese for tea or something like that and how she couldn’t wait to change into her jogging bottoms and take her bra off. I felt her tiredness in my bones as if it were mine and, mostly, I forgave her.
‘Soft in the head, her,’ Dad said when she’d gone.
I chuckled to myself. Must save that one for Lisa, I thought. It would give her a right laugh.
And then I thought about suffocating him with a pillow and how I might go about it, whether my empathy was so strong that it was telling me that this was what he wanted now, and that if I did it, I’d feel that blessed relief too. I could get away with it. Not like the nurse had taken any notice of me, was it? Had she even registered my presence in the room? If I smothered him, would she remember I’d been here? Was my name even now fading from the visitors’ book as if written in invisible ink?
On the way home, just approaching our road, I summoned up the courage and called Lisa. She didn’t answer, but a minute later she called back.
‘Sorry.’ She sounded breathless. ‘I was just in the supermarket getting supplies. Our Jodi goes back tomorrow.’
‘Of course.’ My throat closed. I ducked into a space between two houses and pressed my forehead to the brick wall.
‘We’re getting pizza and I’ve got a couple of bottles in.’ She faltered. ‘Nothing too grand, like.’
‘Has it got to September already?’ I knew very well it had. I had counted every hour, every day, every week, every month; the year nearly upon me.
She hesitated. ‘Why, when did you think it was? I thought you’d…’
‘No, I… I mean I’ve just lost track of time, that’s all, you know what it’s like.’ I attempted a laugh but it choked on the way up. ‘That’s lovely anyway,’ I managed, my voice wobbling all over. ‘Pizza with your girls. They’ll love that.’ The tears were rolling by then but I put my hand over the phone so she wouldn’t hear me.
Lisa was silent for a minute. ‘Are you OK, Rach?’ Her voice was quiet down the line. ‘Where are you?’
‘I’m just walking back from seeing Dad.’
‘I thought you were staying there for the evening?’
‘Well, I changed my mind.’
Another painful silence while she dug around for something to say. ‘Are you sure you’re OK? I’ve got loads of pizza. The girls’d love to see you – it’s been ages. Why don’t you come?’
‘Don’t be daft,’ I managed. ‘You enjoy your girls while they’re here. I’m fine, honestly.’
‘You sure? Please come. I’ve hardly seen you all summer, and Mark said…’ She tailed off.
‘Mark said what? When did you speak to Mark?’
‘No, I… I mean, I saw him… in Church Street. Only in passing, like. He said you’re barely at home anymore. Just want you to be careful that’s all.’
She’d hesitated over where she’d seen Mark. Had he told her I’d spoken to that Jo and that I wouldn’t call the police number a couple of months back? It sounded like she’d seen him recently. I wondered if I’d get home to find an ambulance waiting, a swift needle, kind men with soft voices asking me to come with them. Mark had promised he’d never do that again.
‘Don’t you worry about me,’ I said, deliberately misinterpreting her concern. ‘I’m the invisible woman, remember?’
She didn’t laugh.
‘Rach,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Mark’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. Your Katie’s worried about you. Seriously, if not tonight, how about tomorrow night? Come on, why don’t—’
‘I’m working tomorrow. Double shift, I’ll be knackered. Listen, I’ll leave you to it, love. Got to go. We’ll catch up good and proper next week, all right?’
‘All right, love.’ She sounded defeated. I knew I was putting up a wall but I couldn’t help it. ‘I’ll be here twiddling my thumbs, day or night, here or not here as you need. You’d be doing me a favour, to be honest.’
‘Must dash. Give my love to the girls.’ I couldn’t stand it a second longer. I rang off without waiting for her to say goodbye and tried unsuccessfully to suppress the long wail that left me. I dug in my bag, found the tissues I’d started carrying in case of nosebleeds. I took one out, unfolded it and pressed it against my face. On the road, traffic hummed, close, closer, fading, gone. Footsteps sounded on the pavement. I hunched myself over, small as I could. The steps amplified, snatches of conversation got louder along with them…but I was thinking if I got the red one then it’d go with them sandals…quieter… you know them ones I got in the sale with the gold buckles… The footsteps ebbed. A moment, two, the yawn-like sigh of another passing car.
No one saw me there. I was a shadow, less than a shadow, against the cold wall.
