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Rachel
We followed the hedge up to where it ends and walked across the grassland. We were coming at the pond a different way.
‘Where are we going?’ he asked again.
‘To my special thinking spot.’ I had a horrible sense of déjà vu: my hand on Jo’s shoulder in the dark. Did I know what I was doing? Now, looking back, I think I was putting my own guilt to the test. Seeing if I could catch myself in the act. Which means I probably did know exactly what I was doing.
‘In the park?’ he said, knocking into me. ‘Sorry.’
‘That’s OK. It’s the little pond – have you ever been?’ I turned to look at him, saw a smile brighten his face.
‘My nan used to take us there when we were little. We used to feed the ducks.’
‘That’s the place. I used to take my kids, Kieron and Katie, when they were little. I got married in the town hall.’
We stopped at the pathway that leads to the pond. I followed his skinny frame into the black recess.
‘Is this the place?’ he asked.
‘Yep. This bench. I just sit on it from time to time when I need to organise my mind. This last year I’ve come here a lot.’
We sat down. It was almost silent. Almost; the road was no more than an occasional dull rush. The water lay flat, the reeds sunk into its black mirror surface as if into pre-made holes.
I felt the living heat of him next to me. ‘Peaceful as anything, isn’t it?’
He nodded. A silence fell.
‘My mum doesn’t even know I’m gay,’ he said.
God love him, I thought. Poor sweet boy.
‘You’ll find your way back to her one day,’ I said. ‘Everything will come right.’
‘How do you know?’
I shrugged and sighed. ‘I know things. Age. Experience. This fella she’s got on the go will move on and you’ll get your ducks in a row and make something of yourself. This is a bad time but you’ll pull yourself up because you’re a good person, Ian. You’re polite and kind and you want to work. And one day you’ll knock on her door and you’ll be a man of substance and she’ll see you and she’ll be proud. I’m going to help you get back on track. I don’t know how yet, but I will, I promise. And one day you’ll be with your mum again and you’ll tell her who you really are and she’ll understand.’ I could tell he was listening by the twitch of his head. ‘And trust me, she’ll love you just the same.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I do. Because when our Kieron told me he was gay, I couldn’t have loved him more.’ I put my arm around the boy and pulled him to me, rocked him gently, slowly. ‘And in my darkest moments, the fact that I was there and that I was what he needed me to be that day is the only thing that keeps me tethered to this earth.’
His head had fallen onto my shoulder. I kissed his hair, felt the full weight of him in my arms. I felt his jacket fall open, the pressure of his borrowed T-shirt against the tip of the knife. I felt the skin yield, felt the blade slice through. The sickening shock when it sank between his ribs. The warm slick of his lifeblood on my hand. He didn’t move. His brain had not yet caught on to what his body knew. I pulled the knife out and pressed it in again – it was easier this time, holding him to me, holding him tight.
‘Shh,’ I whispered. ‘You’re all right, my love. I’ve got you.’
His warmth infused me. Our skin dissolved. He was of me and I was of him. Drops into water. One body, one whole. His pulse beat like a timepiece, counting down seconds. Seconds, minutes, hours that chime. All the hours, all the never-ending hours. I felt myself go as he went. My vision clouded, blackened. Tiredness rolled in, unfathomable, unstoppable. We were sinking. We were part of the same. We were one, one body of water.
‘Shh now, my darling boy.’ I cradled his soft head in my hand. ‘My darling, darling boy. I’m here with you. Be still now, my love. Everything will be all right. I’m here; I’ll always be here with you. Let go now, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, my love, my darling boy.’
He was silent. He was still. He was heavy. The white moon flashed in the black pond. I held him to me. I felt him go.
I lowered my lips to his ear and whispered, ‘Sleep now, my angel.’
44
Rachel
Blue Eyes is looking at me, and it seems to me she’s been looking at me for months.
