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How like Matt she sounds, except… except what?
Except she means it, perhaps.
‘Thank you,’ I say.
‘I’m not going to ask how you are. How could you possibly be? But you’re here and it really is lovely to see you and I love your hair.’
‘Thanks. Bella did it. And I’m glad I came. We need to get our lives back at some point. For the baby, you know? I mean, we should.’
‘Sod should.’ Jennifer stands as the door opens a fraction. She lifts the drinks from a pair of seemingly disembodied hands in white gloves that make me think of the white rabbit inAlice in Wonderland. They’ve hired staff then. Bella said they would; she’ll be delighted. I heard Neil complaining about being treated like the staff, in our kitchen a few minutes ago, and for one ridiculous moment I envisage him in white gloves, holding a silver tray, boiling irritation glowing red through his blonde hair.
‘Here.’ Jen hands me a glass of what looks like cloudy water. Two chunks of lime fight for space with a handful of ice cubes. ‘It’s fresh lime juice with sugar and a Brazilian white rum called cachaça. Johnnie couldn’t find any Sagatiba, his favourite brand, so he had to use 51, which he wasdelightedabout obviously. God knows how he’d cope in a global crisis. Cheers.’
‘Sod should,’ I reply, by way of a toast.
She grins. ‘Sod should. My new toast.’
‘My counsellor says it too.’ I drink, surprised to find my throat open. ‘God, that’s delicious.’
‘My favourite cocktail.’ She pushes her hair behind her ear. ‘So, tell me to shut up or don’t answer if you don’t want to, but I didn’t have time to ask you last week where they’re up to. The police. Have they closed the case?’
‘They scaled back a few months ago. To be honest, I think they pretty much called it after they found Abi’s coat, but DI Farnham – that’s the lead detective – checks in every month and she said to call her if I need to ask her anything or if I hear anything that might shed new light on things. But I know… I feel, anyway, that they’ve presumed… I… Matt thinks we should say goodbye. If only for the sake of our mental health. He thinks we should have a ceremony.’
‘Should. That word again. So, no suspects at all? No leads?’
‘No. It’s looking like a tragic accident.’
Soft music drifts from somewhere. Matt promised not to leave my side, as did Bella, and yet here they aren’t.
‘It’s the not knowing,’ I hear myself whisper into the perfect amber light. ‘That’s the worst.’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s not that I wish she was dead.’
‘I didn’t think you meant that for a second. But you have no one to bury. No one to grieve for. And yet you’re grieving every day while feeling guilty for forsaking her by even letting yourself feel that very grief.’
‘That’s exactly it. And guilty for ever letting her out of my sight. For leaving the door open.’
Jen puts her arm around my shoulders. I remember her holding me to her last week, how she has never shied away from the scenes I try so hard not to make. After so long feeling like I was infectious, it is a comfort to be touched by a human being who isn’t my husband, son or mother. I wait for her to tell me not to beat myself up, that guilt is a wasted emotion. But she doesn’t.
‘How often are you having counselling?’ is what she says.
‘Once a week.’ I take another sip of my drink. The alcohol burns but it feels good. ‘It’s less often now than it was. It helps, but it doesn’t change anything, that’s the trouble. I can pick it all apart, I can go through what happened endlessly, but I just want to know she wasn’t hurt. Sorry, I’ll stop talking about it – I’ve bored you enough.’
‘Don’t be silly. My shoulders are broad, believe me.’
‘It’s just the thought of her in the water wondering where I was as she… or worse… taken, you know?’
‘I can imagine. Well, I can’t. I just wish we’d been here to help that day. We had no idea.’
A log shifts in the orange fire. We contemplate it together in the silence. I have no idea why, but I feel in some small way soothed.
‘Anyway, enough,’ I say, straightening my back. ‘This is your housewarming. I’d love to see the kitchen everyone’s talking about. You’ve no idea how much buzz there’s been surrounding your building work.’
‘Oh Gawd.’ She laughs. ‘Sure?’
‘I’m sure.’
