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Sod should.
Eighteen
Ava
It’s a little after 9.30 p.m. I have been here too long, spoken to maybe five people beyond the ones I came with. They are all in their small pockets of conversation, specific words melting into a dull collective roar. No one has asked me anything other than how I am. How I am coping is what they mean, and that’s kind. They’re right, I am defined by what has happened. The thought of talking about it here fills me with dread. The last thing I want to do is end up in a public display of tears. But I am incapable of talking about anything else and so I have nothing, nothing at all to say.
I find Bella in the garden, next to the Brazilian-themed bar, swaying to the music.
‘Hi,’ I say, still shy of her despite yesterday’s hair appointment and our drinks earlier.
‘Babe!’ Bella throws her arms around me – an awkward affair with Fred in the sling – and, bizarrely, starts to cry. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, releasing me from her rather sweaty grasp.
‘What for?’
‘Everything.’ Her eyes are red; the make-up has smudged black beneath them. In all the years I’ve known her, all the partying we’ve done together, I’ve never seen her with smudged make-up. ‘I know we haven’t been there for you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry, babe.’
Oh, this is not the time or the place. But Bella is holding on to my arm, looking up at me through her top lashes with big sorrowful eyes, and she is, without doubt, inebriated. I try to flatten a bristle of annoyance. The sight of Neil earlier has softened me, sobered me to my own self-absorption, shaken me out of my grief. Yes, Bella will have found it tough too. She was Abi’s godmother and, I suspect, was the one responsible for all the expensive gifts.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I say. ‘Really. It’s been hard for you guys too – I do get that. Just because it’s been worse for us doesn’t mean—’
‘Neil did everything he could,’ Bella says miserably. ‘He looked everywhere. He was broken, Ave, absolutely broken; you know that, don’t you?’
‘I know.’
‘He’s still not the same. It broke him. He’s still not right.’
I glance towards the kitchen. I’m desperate to get away from her, but I don’t want to offend her, not now that we’ve made this big step.
‘I mean,’ she is saying, one hand pawing my shoulder, ‘he looked everywhere that night.’
‘I know he did.’ I humour her. ‘Honestly, you guys did everything you could.’
‘He looked all night, Ave. All night long he looked. He was broken, I’ve never seen him like that. We’re… we’re going through a bad patch at the minute. He’s drinking a fair bit, do you know what I mean?’ She pushes her fingertips to her eyes and lets out a groan.
I know I should comfort her. Instead, I step back. Horrible to admit, but I feel suffocated. Weighed down. Frankly, I wish she’d shut up, fear I might tell her to do just that.
‘We should’ve come over more,’ she goes on. ‘I just feel so bad about it, but it was too difficult.’
‘Bella, listen.’ I lift her hand from my arm in a show of holding it before letting it drop. ‘It’s hard not to be able to fix things. It’s hard to see your friends in pain, I understand that. But we’re getting there, don’t worry. Let’s just… let’s just try to move past it, shall we? We all need time to heal. And I won’t heal, not completely, that’s really what I’ve got to learn to navigate.’
She sniffs loudly; I wonder if she even heard. ‘Just want you to know that Neil did everything, no matter what. He loved Abi, he really did, no matter what.’
‘I know he did.’
‘We both did. I mean, we want kids too, you know.’
‘I know. Look, let’s talk about this again, eh? I’m going to head off, so I’ll see you tomorrow or something, OK?’
‘OK, babe. Sorry, I just got a bit emotional. I get emotional, you know? I’m an emotional person.’
‘I know. It’s OK. I’ll see you later, OK? OK.’
In the kitchen, a crescendo of chatter, the music pushes upwards in volume and tempo – a trendy remix bossa nova, I think, but can’t be one hundred per cent sure. Whatever, already under the influence of strong cocktails, some of my neighbours are swaying a little to the beat, risking a head bob here and there. They want to dance. But we’re in suburbia now and I doubt they’d dare.
‘Ava.’ It is Johnnie. He looks flushed, a little shiny.
‘Hi.’ I look about me, searching for Matt. Help.
