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Matt roars; his fist smashes against the coffee table. ‘For God’s sake, Ava! You can’t say that! You can’t even let yourself think it! My God, this is Neil we’re talking about!’
She is panting, chewing her lip furiously, and she looks… she looks like a caricature of madness – bulge-eyed, flushed, manic. This is who she is now. This is what unresolved grief has done to her. Whathehas done to her. His wife.
‘OK,’ she says, visibly trying to stay calm. ‘What’s going on then? Explain it. Because I asked Neil last night and he sure as hell couldn’t; he just filled up the air time with what a great guy you are.’
The violence of her words, the way she says them, takes him aback. They are glaring at each other, both trembling, both shocked, and it is this shock that frightens them, calms them momentarily.
‘I don’t know what to say to you,’ he says after a long moment, but even now he can feel the effort it takes just to keep himself from shouting. ‘Except that there will be a good reason.’
‘He said he didn’t know those kids!’
‘He only said he didn’t know them well! They could still recognise him! If Neil had a little game going with the older one, it doesn’t mean that he knew her well, it just means he was kind to her, and that’s probably all he meant. That Jasmine remembers him and got all excited is down to Jasmine. Neil made an impact on her, which he would because he’s kind and he’s good with kids. And with Jasmine having learning difficulties, he was probably all the kinder because that’s who he is, Ava. He’s a good bloke, and he’s kind and he’s fair, and I know he seems tough but he’s not. He’s a softy underneath – the reason we’re even friends is because he stepped in to defend me when we were kids. Christ, he pretty much adopted me. Ava, it’s you who’s talked me through so much of why I do what I do. I would’ve thought you’d have the emotional intelligence to realise that Neil is all heart.’
‘I’ve always thought that.’ She too is speaking quietly. She too is trembling with the effort of not screaming – or perhaps she’s beginning to see just how crazy she’s being. ‘I love Neil. As a friend. But yesterday morning with Jasmine… and how come he miraculously found Abi’s toy?’
‘Oh my God, Ava, he found it on the road! On the road! A cop would have seen him pick it up; there were at least four on the street by then, one of them stationed outside the house. What do you think he did, started Charlie Chaplin whistling and somehow dropped it there in plain sight? I can’t do this, Ava!Youcan’t do this! You’ll drive yourself mad. Youaredriving yourself mad. You’re going to end up in hospital again, darling.’ His eyes sting with tears, the hot steam of his rage condensing into droplets. Above all else, he feels so damn sorry for her. He has done this to her. He has broken her.
‘Darling,’ he tries again, softly. ‘Ava, my love. Please. You have got to move on. Whatever happens to us, you can’t let one stupid party when we’re all a bit drunk and a bit stressed turn into this… this witch hunt. I was wrong to make you go. You weren’t ready. You’re not ready. I’m sorry.’
She sighs. ‘There are so many things, things you haven’t spotted. Like, he was so upset that night. And after not speaking to me for a year, it was like hehadto speak to me then, and when he did, he was… I don’t know how to say it, but it was like he was too upset…’
‘Tooupset? What does that even mean? He and Bella are having problems – they’ve lost a baby, more than one baby. That’s why he’s so upset.’
She sniffs, shakes her head. She won’t look at him and he wonders if she’s finally realised how wrong she is.
‘I’m not making any accusations.’ Her voice is watery. ‘I tried to talk to him last night, but today I’m not convinced he answered me properly. He’s very smooth. At the party Bella said he was out all night that night, and when I asked him about that, he said he’d gone back out to look for Abi, which is plausible, I suppose. But another thing that doesn’t add up is that Johnnie and Jen said Neil always came to work before they left the house. Except for that morning. Why would he be at home when he was always at work by that time?’
He opens his mouth to speak, but it is like trying to board a moving train.
‘When I asked him, he made some excuse about getting building supplies from Apex Corner, but don’t you think that’s a bit too much of a coincidence?’ She is speaking faster now, her voice rising. ‘I keep going over and over conversations from the party – Jen, Johnnie, Bella, Neil – asking myself why I’m feeling like this, and I remembered Bella was very insistent that Neil loved Abi no matter what. No matter what – what does that mean?’
‘It’s just a figure of speech.’
‘They’re all just figures of speech! They’re all just little tiny things. Why would he go out and look for Abi all night and never tell you?’ Her eyes are round; she is barely stopping for breath. ‘That doesn’t make sense. It’s not something you’d keep secret, is it? Do you see what I’m saying? Do you?’
Matt feels his eyes prickle. His heart is breaking as surely as it did that day. He has tried not to lose her but that’s exactly what’s happening. He is losing her. She is losing herself. He must think, think carefully before he speaks. It’s important to make her feel heard without giving her theories any credence.
‘I understand,’ he says slowly. ‘And I can see how you can get to where you’ve got to. But the problem is, you’re filtering it all through trauma. It was traumatic foryouto go to that party. Being with Neil and Bella again brought back too many terrible memories and I shouldn’t have made you… I shouldn’t have asked you to go. It was too soon.’
‘It’s not about that!’ she shouts, then shakes her head, as if to dispel her temper.
‘I’m not saying it is,’ he tries. ‘I’m not saying I don’t believe you or that these things weren’t said, but it’s all completely explainable. Neil didn’t want to see Johnnie again because he hates him. He got angry because he felt patronised. They’ve been going through stuff we didn’t know about and we were all a bit raw because it was the first time we’ve socialised since Abi died—’
‘Died? So, what, it’s definite now, is it?’
‘No, I… but, Ava… we… The police say they haven’t closed the case, but they have, essentially, haven’t they? There’s no evidence other than that she wandered up to the river, tried to feed the ducks and somehow toppled in. It’s a tragedy, darling, a terrible tragedy, but—’
‘But her coat was found the next morning – what if, after Neil left you, he went and threw her in the river at Richmond?’
‘Oh for Christ’s sake, stop!’ His hands curl into fists. He is on his feet, standing over her, shouting at her. He can feel the veins in his neck, the heat in his head. He raises his fists, feels the violent grimace setting his jaw. He stops, fists falling, pressing now against his temples. My God, this is not him – it is everything he swore he wouldn’t do. Wouldn’t be.
‘Ava,’ he whispers. ‘You’re going to end up back in hospital.’
‘You can’tnotstick up for him, can you?’ Her voice is quiet, her simmering heat matching his. ‘You can’tnotput him before me. I’m your wife, Matt, not him. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s always been the problem.’
The silence that follows is like lead. He can hear them both breathing in the quiet room.
‘Ava,’ he says softly.
