AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Instinctively I wander into the living room to check on Fred. He is sitting in a sling chair and cooing at the archway of plastic toys that dangle over him.
‘Go on.’ I am looking out at the street, which is waking up at this time as it did that day, minutes too late.
‘I don’t know what to think.’ He sounds fraught.
‘What? What do you mean? Have you found out something else?’
He sighs. ‘It’s probably nothing. But maybe it’s like you said. All the little things, you know?’
‘Matt, I can hear you’re upset, but if you’ve called me for a game of charades, I’m afraid I—’
‘Stop!’ His breath staggers down the line. ‘Stop… let me…’
I nod, even though he is not here to see me.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ he says, still out of breath. ‘I’ve been thinking about Neil and how he’s always been my adviser in life, you know? What I mean is, I always knew he was shooting from the hip; he never had any ulterior motive. And because of that, his was always good advice. No agenda, you know?’
‘What has this got to—’ I interrupt but make myself shut up.
‘But that night,’ Matt ploughs on, ‘he told me not to tell you about the door. It was the wrong advice. I’m not blaming him. It was my fault I didn’t tell you. I didn’t have to take his advice, even though I always have. I should have told you. I should have had the strength to ignore him and do the right thing.’
‘Matt—’
‘No, wait. Let me finish. What I’m trying to say is that it’s the first time he’s given me bad advice. And it’s the first… no, it’s theonlytime he’s told me to be dishonest. About anything.’
‘And?’
‘He insisted we keep it between us. It was like some sort of pact. But… any pact we’ve had, we’ve had since we were kids. It’s an unspoken thing. And that night, he made us shake on it, Ave. It’s not that he acted suspiciously or weirdly, he just didn’t act likehimself, that’s all. So I was wondering if it suitedhimfor me to lie – but I can’t figure out why that would be, and all this on top of Mr Sloth.’ He sighs. ‘And then this morning, I saw he had a new tool bag.’
‘What do you mean? What’s a new tool bag got to do with anything?’
Another heavy sigh. I can see him, see the angle of his head, the sorrowful set of his dark eyes. ‘That morning. When Abi… disappeared. I looked in at the work site – next door’s extension – while he was upstairs. And his tool bag was there and it was black. And it was new. And I remembered just now it was really expensive. Only it was the size of it.’
‘The size.’ I feel sick. ‘What do you mean, the size?’
‘It was big, you know? Big enough.’
A sob leaves me. I sit down on the sofa, my hand across my eyes.
‘And this morning,’ Matt goes on, ‘he had aredbag. A new red bag. And I don’t even know what it means. If it means anything. I’m being paranoid. His black one is probably in the shed. I’m paranoid. Sorry… Ava? Are you still there?’
‘I’m here.’ I’m here and I am trembling.
‘I… Look, I’m just going to say this, OK? It’s going to sound really woo-woo, but you know at that party? I can’t explain it, but I felt like she was there. I was leaning against the steel and I felt her pulse. Like it was beating through the house. I mean, I realised it was the clock, and I was drunk, but for those few seconds, it was like I felt her. Her heart. The beat of it.’
I am aware of myself breathing – regularly, heavily, as if I’m pretending to myself that I’m asleep. But I am not asleep.
‘Are we being mad?’ he asks.
I hear the catch in his voice.
‘Maybe,’ I reply, remembering the unbearable sight of Cosima in Johnnie’s arms, how I couldn’t get Abi out of my mind. ‘It was a tough night, hard to shake off. Look, come over tonight and we’ll talk. I’m not saying stay, OK? But I’ve had some thoughts too. My mind’s a mess.’
‘OK,’ he says. ‘But, Ava?’
‘Yes?’
‘Mostly what I want to say is that I believe you, all right? I didn’t, and I’m sorry I didn’t, but I do now. I don’t know what it is, but you’re right, it’s something. Something’s off.’
