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‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It was never about the money itself, mind, more about showing bastard-features I was better off without him. Which I was. But then you came along and I had to rethink.’
‘Sorry.’
‘What’re you saying sorry for? Your mother dying was the worst thing that’s happened to both of us.’ She lays a hand on his. ‘But having you come to live with me was the best thing, so…’ She pats his hand, makes herself stand. ‘Are we allowed to take him outside when he wakes up?’
‘Don’t see why not.’
She studies him a moment. Sees happiness shining inside him like a torch in a tent. Remembers taking him camping, on the Isle of Purbeck, in Devon, Cornwall, all over. She was in her sixties! But the energy he took, he gave her back with interest. He is the reason she’s stayed so fit.
‘You’re happy, aren’t you?’ she says.
The light is in his face now, the full beam of it on her.
‘I am,’ he says. ‘I really am.’
CHAPTER 19
Dear Sam,
So you survived your first day! I won’t lie, I was surprised by how good you were with him. When I told you how I did things, you didn’t make me feel like I was being bossy, like you used to do when we were together, like I didn’t have the right to ask you to do things properly or explain how they were done. You stuck to his routine, and you were so good when I told you how to change his nappy, telling me I was the best teacher, that I was being so patient. Instead of grunting or saying OK, OK, like I was nagging, or giving it large with the silent resentment vibes.
And when you handed him back to me, it was like you were parting with gold or something. I can’t believe you’re so attached already. You always had a soft side. Hopefully you’ll take him every week now, and that will be bonding without being too much for me. I have to say, even though I know I have to be careful, from my side it was great to get a real break, even for two hours. Next week you’ll have him all day. I wonder how you’ll manage.
What I love about writing to you like this, without you here, is that I can ask you questions and then fantasise about you answering the way I want you to. Like, what did you feel today when you half held me in your arms? I can ask that and then I can imagine you replying: I felt love, babe. I realised I was a fool to leave you.
Maybe I’m not fantasising. I definitely picked up a vibe. My horoscope said: Ignore emotional undercurrents at your peril. I’m not ignoring anything. I’m still going to be really careful about how much time you and Tommy spend together; there’s still a lot of trust to be built. And I have to be sure you have real feelings for me before things go any further – if things go any further.
As for Joyce, she made a good show of seeming pleased to see me, but she was watching me like a hawk. Has she told you to be careful? Has she told you to watch yourself? I bet she has. I’m not criticising her; it’s just a bit frustrating. Everyone deserves a second chance. That’s all I’m asking for. She has such a strong influence on you, but you need to think for yourself now, cut those apron strings. For us. For baby Tommy.
CHAPTER 20
The following Wednesday, Sam waits at the sitting room window, cup of coffee in hand. A little after 8.30 a.m., his breath catches at the sight of Naomi’s car pulling into the driveway.
‘Hey,’ she says when he opens the front door. She is dressed in her work clothes: a skirt and blouse, suit jacket and ballet-style shoes. She even has her lanyard on:Lyme Regis Medical Practicerepeating on the ribbon around her neck.
‘Are you coming in?’
‘I’ve got to get to work, sorry.’ She proffers the kitbag. In his car seat, Tommy is staring at everything as if seeing it all for the first time.
‘I’ve made organic vegetable and chicken,’ he tells her, taking the bag, not quite managing to hide the pride in his voice. ‘Finely pureed, no salt! I used my soup whizzer thing. And I’ve bought some rusks, the same ones you left last week, oh, and a teething ring, a changing mat, nappy bags and nappies.’ He doesn’t tell her he’s ordered a cot from Argos, some bedding, that he’s started work fixing up the bedroom they chose last week. Despite their excellent start, it’s still early days and everything feels too precarious. But hopefully, when Naomi sees the room finished in a few weeks, she will be ready to understand how serious he is.
She smiles and shakes her head in what looks like wonder. ‘Wow,’ she says. ‘I’m impressed, Sam Moore.’
‘I haven’t got any formula,’ he says, scratching at the back of his head. ‘I went to buy it, but it was so complicated.’
She only laughs – not the slightest hint of an eyeroll at his incompetence. The sharp heart of her chin lifts. ‘No worries.’ She nods towards the kitbag. ‘It’s all in there, so just take what you need. I’ll write down a list of things, like the right brand of formula and the organic ready-made food he has when I don’t have time to make it, OK?’ She takes a step back then stops, fixes him with her gaze, her cheeks a little flushed. ‘I really am impressed though. No joke.’
They stare at one another, tentative smiles tugging at their mouths. She is not wearing her hat today, and her brow is soft, her hair mad with curls and her eyes kind – as they have been almost the whole time since their paths crossed again.
The moment passes. Embarrassed, Sam shakes his head. ‘Well, have a good day at the office!’
She pulls a silly face, turns, her gait light as she makes her way back towards the Golf. Once she’s opened the car door, she stops and raises her hand in a wave.
‘I’ll be back just after four. I’ve changed my hours since… well, you know.’ She rolls her eyes and laughs again. ‘Bye, guys! Be good!’
A rev of engine, a blast of exhaust, and she’s gone.
