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‘You’ve been saying that since we watchedThe Bridge,’ he says, and she laughs easily. Genuinely, he thinks. It feels good to make her laugh like that.
‘Oh my God, I was obsessed,’ she says. ‘Do you remember I even started wearing my leather jacket under my coat? Like that would be enough to make me look just like her.’ She laughs again, wipes at her eyes. ‘I’m such a knob sometimes.’
He smiles and takes a drink. She is so lovely when she’s like this. So good to be with.
‘So, things seem to be working out?’ he tries. ‘With us?’
‘You and Joyce have been amazing.’ She falters, glances down at her lap before meeting his eye again. ‘Listen, I need to tell you something.’
His chest tightens. ‘OK.’
‘I know I was difficult to be with.’
‘No, I—’
She holds up a hand. ‘Listen. I know, OK? I blamed it all on you, but I’ve been seeing a therapist and I’m starting to understand why I might have turned you away.’
‘But I—’
‘Sam! Let me say it, OK? I was moody. I was critical. I know I said mean things to you sometimes, and I was sarcastic and I slammed doors.’
‘I’m the one who punched a window.’
She shakes her head. ‘You did. But I was winding you up.’
‘You did take me to A&E though.’
The smile they share is warm.
‘Seeing that room you did for Tommy,’ she says, ‘it just reminded me how amazing you are at stuff like that. I took that for granted. I put you down, I know I did. I tried to get you to be someone you’re not. I thought I wanted you to be tougher or more decisive or whatever, but since you left, I’ve realised you are who you are, you know? That’s all we can be, isn’t it? You’re a bit of a pushover, and that’s fine because… because you do things like make a changing station out of a piece of junk. I stopped seeing that. I’m not sure if I ever really saw it, to be honest. But I do now. And I’m sorry. There. That’s my big speech.’
‘I was bad at talking.’ He coughs into his hand, adjusts his position. ‘That’s my big speech.’
She laughs, takes a sip of her drink, places the glass softly on the table. ‘But I didn’t make it easy, did I?’
‘This is not all your fault.’
‘I’m not saying it is. I’m saying I’m not blameless.’
‘Well, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I closed down. I dismissed you. Your feelings. I left instead of trying to sort it out. I should’ve faced you.’ He reaches for her hand.
She clasps his fingers tight. ‘I need to tell you something else. I sold the flat. Our flat. I know I didn’t tell you that day but I was a bit caught off guard and I was still really angry. I had this weird idea that you had no right to know anything about my life. But yeah, I sold it.’
‘It was yours. You had every right to sell it.’
‘It’s good of you to see it like that. My dad left me and Jo some money, and I put that together with the money from the flat and I bought a house. It’s nice, a nice place. Modern, which I never thought I’d like. Grown up, you know? It’s got three bedrooms and a garden. I wanted a garden for Tommy. Everything about my life is about him now, do you get that?’
‘Of course I do. Of course.’
‘It’s funny, because I always hated the idea of kids. But now…’ She sighs, her smile watery. ‘Now, he’s all I care about. Well, he’s who I care most about, and it’s a very short list.’
They are still holding hands. He planned to say so much, but now he has the feeling it has all been said, that they’ve agreed on something he can’t quite reach but knows without doubt he wants. And when he leans in and kisses her on the mouth, she lets him, as he knew she would.
‘I still love you,’ he says. ‘That’s my other big speech.’
‘Me too. I never stopped.’
Their eyes lock for a long time. He has the impression they are aware only of each other.
