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“That night you showed up on my doorstep, wanting to get dinner, Riley was in my guest bedroom upstairs, dead. She’d been attacked earlier that night, and I brought home a bloodied, battered body that I couldn’t even fucking recognize. For a full two minutes, I lost her—and she doesn’t fucking let me forget it.”
My heart stalls in my chest, pain lancing the organ at his confession. I search his face for signs of deceit, feeling my stomach revolt against his words—against the pain of the truth.
“What’s worse,” he says with a dark, hollow chuckle. “Is that it was our biological mother’s doing. The woman who gave me up as a teenager after abusing me my entire life, emotionally and physically, letting her drug buddies do whatever they pleased, and still somehow controlling me even after I was out of her custody.”
As he speaks, violence vibrates off his body in waves, making tension coil so tight in my stomach that it cramps, tectonic plates shifting to make room for an earthquake.
Is this what I wanted?
“You asked me why I went to therapy as a kid—how does being gang-raped before you even really know what sex is, because your mother decided a quick fix was important enough to warrant that against her own kid sound? How about beating the fuck out of any man that stepped into our shitty little trailer, because I knew I’d need to establish dominance early on, or else I’d get fucked up again? Killing when I became a teenager to avoid the same fate? That a good enough fucking reason for you, princess?”
Tears sting my eyes, my throat tight as he bleeds himself dry, tearing his heart from his chest and tossing it at my feet. “Boyd, I’m—”
He holds up his hands, barring me from coming closer. “The worst part is, that I could’ve spared my sister if I wasn’t such a chickenshit. If I’d gotten over myself and just taken her in any of the dozens of times she asked, I could’ve saved her from a lifetime of trauma. But I didn’t, because I let my pride get in the way, like I always do. Because I was scared, and hurt, and trying to reconcile how LeeAnn could keep my sister but not want me and couldn’t shake the hold she had over me. I’m weak, Fiona. That’s my big fucking secret.”
Covering my mouth with my hands to keep the sobs at bay, I swallow over the knot in my throat, nausea burning a hole in my stomach.
My mind reels from each of his revelations, trying to piece together that kind of trauma and fit it into the cracks of the broken man I’ve come to know.
How could I ever have thought he was something I could fix?
Guilt settles on my chest like a cement block, crushing me beneath its weight, when I realize how much worse I must have made things. I meet his furious gaze, trying to think of something to say, but the words never come.
Misery ebbs inside the chambers of my heart, pumping through my bloodstream, and eventually Boyd just sighs, his body sagging against the wall.
“I’m sorry, Fiona, that I didn’t want to expose you to all of that. Sorry I couldn’t find it in me to fight for you, when I can barely find it in me to fight for myself, sometimes.” He pushes off the wall and steps toward me, reaching out and cradling my jaw in one hand. “This isn’t me telling you so you can feel sorry for me. It’s me saying... I think you were right to end things. Not a day has passed by that I’ve stopped being in love with you, despite what you think about that, but four months ago I wasn’t the man you deserved, hard as I tried to be. I’m probably not even the one you deserve now. To be honest, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing ninety percent of the time.”
I lean into his palm, absorbing the soft feel of it against my cheek.
“You broke me, Fiona. Decided that what I was giving you wasn’t enough. And while I agreed, because I thought that’s what was best for you, I’m not over it. “ He swallows, releasing me, taking half of my heart with him. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just...” Trailing off, he shrugs, and I clench my jaw to steel against the tears threatening, all of my emotions waging a battle inside me that I’m not sure can really be won.
“Just… leave me alone, okay?” he says, and I scoff when he pulls away, heading for the door just as someone knocks on it. Throwing it open, we’re met with the piercing green gaze of my brother, whose fist is raised as if he was about to knock a second time.
His eyes widen, darting between the two of us inside the bathroom and taking in the state of our disarray, and I curse under my breath, knowing this might make things worse.
Boyd clears his throat, adjusting the collar of his suit, and slides past Kieran without a word, leaving the place ten times more awkward than it was before.
“So…” Kieran says, leaning against the doorframe. “That just happened.”
Letting out a low groan, I bury my face in my hands, wishing now more than ever that my mom was around to talk to. Grief spirals inside my chest, a fire searing through my muscles, suffocating as it works over me.
I glance at my brother. “Please, can we not talk about this?”
Pursing his lips, he studies me. “Depends. How embarrassed are you right now, on a scale from one to ten?”
“A million.”
He snorts, walking in and closing the door as I lean against the wall, sliding my back down until my butt hits the floor, letting the waves of a spiral wash over me.
Control what you can and release what you can’t.
Kieran sits on the floor beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him, and sighs. “I miss her.”
Sniffling and grateful for the change of subject, I nod, resting my head on his shoulder. “Me too.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I exorcise the bad emotions from my body, tears spilling silently until I’m dried out, and then I close my eyes and try to focus on what comes next, not on what already is, absorbing the comfort my brother is offering.
Focus on what I can fix.
