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“I’m not whole, either.”
* * *
“So, what? You’re just gonna forgive him for not telling you?” Heidi asks, bending the paper straw in her peach boba tea. Nico’s back for the summer, so the four of us met for brunch, grabbing croissants and drinks from the bakery inside the Green Apple Grocery, and we’re sitting on the patio outside Starbucks, watching downtown prepare for Memorial Day.
“I didn’t say I forgave him. Just... I don’t know, I guess I can see his point. My dad should’ve been the one to tell me about his affair, I shouldn’t have had to hear it from someone else.”
“Yeah, but that didn’t even have anything to do with him and he kept it a secret.” Bea shoots Heidi a dirty look, and Heidi shrugs, holding her hands up in mock innocence. “What? I’m just saying. How is she supposed to trust him?”
Nico sighs, running a hand over his dark hair. “Everyone in King’s Trace has secrets. I think you have to decide which ones are worth knowing, and which you can live without.”
Furrowing her eyebrows, Bea frowns. “How is she supposed to do that if she doesn’t know what they are?”
“It’s a gut thing,” Nico says, shrugging. He points to his stomach, then takes a sip of his coffee. “If your gut is saying Boyd’s secrets are worth it, then I say go for it.”
“Enabler,” Heidi mutters, sweeping hair from her shoulders.
I roll my eyes, irritation spiking in my chest like a pot left to boil over.
Heidi’s always been the most outspoken of us, and it’s never really been an issue until now. Partly because I can’t shake the feeling that she’s acting out of spite and envy, and partly because I’m afraid, deep down, that she’s right.
Still, I’m getting sick of hearing about my bad decisions.
Yanking my straw from its plastic cup, I point it in her direction, flinging foam everywhere. “You haven’t exactly been keen on this relationship from the start, you know. From the second I said he was interested, you’ve been rude about me and Boyd. If you’re jealous, come out and say it and stop hiding behind your dirty remarks, because frankly, I’m over your bullshit.”
Silence falls over the table, each of their heads rearing back like I’ve slapped them. While not necessarily strangers to hearing me say what’s on my mind, the tone seems to throw them off, my voice sharper and thicker than ever before.
Clogged with emotion, everything bubbling to the surface as I struggle to maintain control.
My fingers grip the underside of the table, my index finger tapping lightly, the rhythm lulling my racing heart.
Tap, tap, tap.
Three sets of three, and then I suck in a deep breath and take another sip of my iced coffee, watching my friends slowly regain themselves.
Heidi’s face slumps, her mouth curving into a vicious frown I’ve only ever seen reserved for enemies. “Friends are supposed to help you, Fiona. I’m not fucking jealous of Boyd, or you getting to be with him. I’m worried about you and the fact that it looks like you’re jumping into something headfirst, the way you always do. I’m sorry for being the only one with the balls to tell you I don’t like it, but I refuse to be responsible for this kind of mistake.”
That word, again. It punctures my internal organs, searing straight through them and smearing them along the concrete sidewalk, my insecurities on display for everyone to see.
I wince as she pushes out from the table, pulling on the drawstrings of her Unity hoodie, and takes off down the street, not sparing us a second glance as she disappears.
“We’re your friends, not your parents,” Bea says after a moment, still staring off in the direction Heidi left. “They’re your mistakes to make.”
“What’s your gut telling you?” Nico asks, arching an eyebrow.
The problem is—I have no clue. My gut and I don’t seem to speak the same language, because while my brain is saying I can’t trust Boyd, my gut is churning with the feelings developing in my heart.
Sure, he told me about therapy, but since he cherry picks the parts of himself that he shows to the rest of the world, anyway, I don’t see how I’m really any different.
And the possibility that I’m not, that he sees me as he sees everyone else, is enough to make me question everything.
