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The memory of me banging on Abby’s dorm room door came flooding back and my eyes threatened to tear up for the tenth time that night. If I could make one wish, it would be to go back in time and not go to that fight. I might not have been married to Abby so soon, but at least I’d get to keep her.
To my surprise, it wasn’t Finch who opened the door, but my wife. Her eyes were swollen, mascara smeared, her hair ratted, and her clothes wrinkled. I’d never seen her look more beautiful in my life.
I wanted so badly to hold her, so I reached out, but paused, realizing she may not want me to touch her.
She looked down at my hands. “You’re soaked. You walked all the way here?”
I nodded.
“You didn’t know I was here … so you came to talk to Finch? Because he’s the only one you could talk to.”
“Abby …”
“It’s Abby now?” She nodded, indignant.
I winced. “I didn’t think it was fair to … I’m just trying to make this easier on you.”
“Well, you’re not. You can’t do this to me, Travis. You can’t pursue me and make promises … make me fall in love with you just to leave me.”
“Please don’t hate me.”
She stepped outside and closed the door behind her. “Hate you? I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my life.Ever.I don’t know that I’ve loved anyone except you, and I truly believe I’ll never feel this way again with someone else. I don’t want to. And after everything—the risks, the unknowns, the what ifs—I’m staying. I’mstaying, Travis.You’releavingme. If you do this, I’ll never give you the chance to hurt me like this again, do you understand that?”
“I …”
“I don’t think you do. You can’t. Because this isn’t a college break up. We made vows to each other. This is a whole marriage you’re ending.”
“Because …”
“There is no because. There is no reason that’s stronger than the promises we made.”
“You’ll be okay. I have to believe that. You’ll be okay, out here.”
“You don’t get it. This feels like death. It will change me. I won’t be the same person after this, and I’ll blame you for it. Maybe I will hate you then, because it won’t change me for the better. If you let me go now, you’ll have to let me go forever because the woman you love won’t exist anymore. I won’t be her. She’ll be gone.”
It took me a long time to speak, and even then, I could barely get the words out above a whisper. “You don’t know how sorry I am. I wish … I wish we could go back in time and somehow, some way not go to that fight. That’s the only thing that could fix this.”
“But wecan’t.”
“I’ve tried to think of something, anything else, I swear to God. I hate myself for hurting you.”
“Don’t make me beg.”
It was what she said the first time we made love, and we were both acutely aware of the reference. Now, she was saying it for a completely different reason. I’d once said I’d rather cut off my own arm than hurt her. I felt like a piece of shit, a liar, a coward … she was stronger than me. She was proving it. “Pidge …”
She fell against me, wrapped her arms around my middle, and squeezed. “Because I will,” she cried. “I’ll beg you every day.”
On my long, wet walk, I’d imagined multiple scenarios for how Abby would react the next time I saw her. What was happening in that moment didn’t even make the top one hundred.
I held her while she cried, trying not to break down myself. I owed it to her to be strong and not force her to console me after what I’d done. And still, I didn’t know how else to protect her.
She said something, but it was too muffled for me to hear.
“What, Pidge?” I asked.
She looked up at me, the skin around her eyes red and wet. “I don’t want to cry the rest of my life.”
She looked like a little girl, innocent and lost. I couldn’t maintain a strong front after that, instead cupping her face with my hands and kissing her over and over. The wetness on her cheeks smeared against mine. I wanted to keep kissing her until the pain went away, but I knew that was impossible.
