AllFreeNovel
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“Yes, you do. Everyone else is scared of you.”
“They are,” I said with a laugh I didn’t fully feel. My blank phone screen taunted me from the back of the couch. “They should be,” I said before taking another sip of wine.
“Hey, I was just kidding.” Britta scooted toward me, expression more serious. “You’re the good scary, like don’t-fuck-with-me-because-I’ll-end-you kind of scary. You’re the most badass person I know.”
I nodded. “I know. I am, I just...” I glanced at the ceiling and shook my head. “I know.”
“What were you going to say? Seriously, what is going on with this guy?” My best friend’s expression shifted again, this time to concern.
“The sex is good. It’s fantastic.”
“Okay, and...?”
“And... good sex has never made me feel like this before.”
“Like what?”
“Like I want to talk afterward and I care about how he hasn’t texted me back. He told me he thinks about me, wants to spend time with me. Britt, I think about that stuff, too.”
Her smile spread. “Well, that’s a good thing. Good sex and youboth like each other. What’s the problem?” She examined my face, and that same smile fell. “Seriously? You broke up with Case years ago.”
Britta had liked him at first; Kat had, too. He was charming, successful, good looking—we fit together. We were both driven and had similar goals. After three years together, we had a rhythm. Dinner together Monday, Thursday, and Sunday. Sex Tuesday night and Saturday morning. Date nights once a month. I hadn’t wanted the messiness I grew up with—the fighting, the drama—and Case was drama-free. Problem was, it was boring. I was boring, and I was bored. When I tried to change things up, he resisted. It wasn’t until the end that I looked back to see that I’d become hesitant to step outside the lines of what we’d fallen into, thinking it would make things too dramatic, too difficult, and then he told me I was still too hard to love. I smiled weakly at Britta. “I know, and it’s not just him.”
“You never had good sex with Case anyway. Tell me I’m wrong.”
“It wasn’t... bad.”
Britta pursed her lips. “As a new resident of Good-sexville, I feel confident saying ‘not bad’ is not the same as ‘good,’ and that applies to more than just sex.”
“He was steady. He was reliable. He was a good match for me, and yes, it bothers me that he broke up with me.”
“You were more upset that he did it before you did.”
I paused to consider what she’d said and sipped my wine. “He did it before I thought to.”
“You wanted to make it work.” Britta petted my calf, which would have annoyed me from anyone else. “There’s no shame in that.”
“He told me it was too hard to love me. I’m never going to be that woman who willingly makes herself vulnerable again. I took all that energy and put it into being the best I can at work. You knowI hate to not be the best at something, and I’m horrible at relationships.”
“Practice makes perfect.”
I ignored her very logical response. “Anyway, I told Lear all I can do is this physical thing. I don’t want to set myself up for that again. He also knows Gretchen, my mentor, and she hates the wedding thing. Everything would just be too messy. It’s not worth it.” I woke my phone to see the blank screen and tossed it to the other side of the couch with a sigh.
“It might be worth it.”
“It’s not.” I sipped my wine. “That’s okay. The sex is good. I don’t need more. He hasn’t responded to my text from this morning. I’m just... He needs someone nicer than I am. I think he’ll realize he’s fine with just sex, too.”
I glanced around the room, looking for a natural way to shift the focus from me, but she was relentless. “What if he’s not okay with just sex anymore?”
“Lear’s not that complicated. It’s why our arrangement works,” I said, the lie bitter in my mouth as soon as I said it. I’d seen hints that Lear had shadows.
Britta nudged my knee with her leg. “If he wants more and you don’t, how will you feel about letting him go?”
The lie that I’d feel fine was on my tongue, but I swallowed it and washed it down with a last drink of wine. “Stop knowing me so well,” I said, nudging her back. I wouldn’t be fine, but I would walk away if I had to.
Chapter 36
Lear
