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17
CLAIRE
“Hop in, Squirt,”Levi says holding the door of his Range Rover open for me.
“Thanks,” I say as I climb in. “Sorry that you and Ivy ended up separated because of my drama.”
“No worries,” he says as he slides into the driver’s seat. “We’ll be alone together for two weeks so driving into the city separately isn’t even a thing.”
We drive for a while in silence, but I can tell he has something on his mind. I don’t offer conversations though; I’ll open up but only if he makes the first move. I watch the trees as we drive past, it’s crazy that this exists not too far from New York. Two totally different worlds a few hours apart.
I’m in the midst of wondering if I could move to a cabin out here after this summer. Going through the pros and cons of quitting the company on a high note, going out without telling anyone about my MS. Fading into obscurity.
“Can I ask you something?” Levi interrupts my musings.
“Sure.” I turn to look at him.
“Why don’t you want to be around the babies? You were so excited while Hoodrat was pregnant, and now you barely even look at them?” He glances over at me briefly.
“I found out the week they were born that I’m probably infertile.” I sigh and look out the window. “It’s common for women to struggle with infertility with MS, and I’ve never had regular cycles. I always thought it was from dance and having a strict diet, and it could be, but it could also be the MS.”
I turn and look at him. “I had two dreams for my life. To spend my twenties traveling the world and dancing was the first. The second was to have children. Both of those dreams were shattered,” I snap my fingers, “like that. One sentence. Thirty seconds to completely derail my life.”
“Fuck.” He puts his hand on mine and squeezes it for a second before letting go. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” I shrug. “It is what it is. I just feel so lost, you know. I’m sitting here wondering what I’m going to do with my life now. I’m completely uninterested in working at VI.”
“Well, the good news is that you don’t have to work. You have enough money to live in whatever way you choose. You just have to find something else you’re passionate about and pour yourself into it. Like I did with the camp.”
“I’ve only ever been passionate about dance.”
“Well, silver linings, now you’ll have time to find something else, and you can still be passionate about dance. Just find a new way to keep doing what you love.”
It’s an interesting idea. I think about how he channeled his passion for sports into creating a camp for kids like the one he went to but making it accessible to all socio-economic levels. I wonder if I could do something like that for dance. Maybe open a studio or something.
“Speaking of love,” Levi once again interrupts my train of thought, “let’s talk about the other elephant in the room.”
Let’s not.
“I know that you and Griff weren’t just casually hooking up. I’ve known about the two of you for a while. He definitely wouldn’t risk his friendship with Con for anything short of deep feelings and love.”
“Levi -”
“No,” he interrupts me, “let me finish. I also know you, believe or not. I’ve known you your entire life, and I saw the looks you would share with him. I sure as fuck know about keeping your love a secret. I know you feel the same way he does, so why did you throw it all away like that? You broke his heart.”
“I did it for him.”
“How was that for his benefit?”
“I have maybe twenty-five years to live. Twenty is average after diagnosis with MS. I literally have an expiration date. My quality of life could change in a second, too. I’ll be in wheelchair eventually. Why would I sentence anyone to a life of sharing this burden with me?”
“Holy fuck, you are as bad as Con. If self-loathing and stubborn stupidity were an Olympic sport, you would take the gold medal.”
“Yeah, I do have a lot of self-loathing right now,” I snap at him. “My future is bleak, and I’m trying to come to terms with it realistically.”
“Listen to me,” he pulls over on the shoulder of the highway. He turns to face me, his broad shoulders filling my line of sight. “You don’t have an expiration date. You have a hurdle to clear. Is it going to be hard? Hell yes, it’ll down right suck sometimes, but giving in like this? It’s bullshit. You have a family who loves you, not just your parents and Con but Ives and me, Hoodrat, and Griff. The resources between all of us are infinite. Don’t throw it all to the side because you have to adjust your idea of what your life will look like.”
“Throwing money at MS won’t make it go away.”
