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Dread swells inside me, forcing bile to the back of my throat, but I nod. It’s eating me alive to hold this secret back. I can’t tell them while I’m naked on Cody’s dick, though, so I stand and pull West’s discarded shirt over my head. Blake joins us and tosses me a pair of sweatpants.
I walk over to the window, looking out into the darkness. Seeing city lights dotting the landscape feels foreign after years of living in the mountains. I give myself a second to rest my forehead against the cool glass, gathering my confession.
“I knew before we slept together in Cody’s cabin that I wasn’t going to stay with you guys. I needed a fresh start, to escape Colorado and my uncle and the weight of my loss. But even when you guys tortured with me the bullying and rumors, I still always reveled in it a bit. Your attention felt, in a very twisted way, gratifying.
“But I didn’t think I could grow with you. I don’t know how to be a part of something like this.” I finally turn from the window to meet their eyes. “I didn’t understand how this could work. I still don’t, really.”
I bite down on my lip as I begin to pace in front of the window. “So, I left. I packed up my few belongings and went to stay with my cousin in Portland for a few weeks. He let me crash on his couch and hooked me up with a temporary part time job to save up enough for the next part of my journey.
“But the second week I was there, I started feeling off. My stomach felt weird and bloated but I wasn’t throwing up. Even so, his girlfriend got me a pregnancy test.” The first tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. “It was positive.”
I take a few deep breaths as the emotions from that moment hit me all over again. “I was so scared,” I whisper. “Alone, with only a couple hundred dollars to my name. No clear future. No family to fall back on.”
They all sit motionlessly as I pace, swiping hot tears as they fall. I can’t look at them individually long enough to get a read on their feelings to see how much they hate me yet. My chest aches as I fight back a sob.
“I got an abortion,” I confess on another broken whisper. “I don’t regret it,” I add firmly. “I wasn’t in a place in my life to have a baby. I could barely take care of myself. I have trouble remembering what it was like to have loving parents, how could I have been one myself?
“And even though I don’t regret it, I still think about it every single day. Every Valentine’s Day, I wonder if it would have been a little boy with Cody’s blond hair or a little girl with West’s green eyes.”
“Fuck,” Cody murmurs seconds before launching from the couch and wrapping me in his arms. “Cherry, no.” He cups my face and wipes my tears, his glistening as well.
I bat his hands away. Overcome with years of guilt. “I don’t deserve your understanding and sympathy. I could have called you guys. I could have done a million things differently.”
But I didn’t. I made my choice and never gave them one. And while I’d never tell another woman she was wrong for doing what I did, I also can’t get out from under the mountain of guilt of never telling them.
“Fine,” West says acerbically. “You want us to be mean? To tell you how selfish you are?”
He stalks toward me.
“West,” Blake warns.
West dismisses him with a hand. “You want us to punish you?” He fists my hair and forces me to look in his eyes, swirling with anger. “You want us to hate you? To run from you the way you do us?”
I can’t speak, paralyzed by the intensity of his glare and reveling in the pain of his hands.
“Too. Fucking. Bad.” His tone changes, but his grip remains painful. “All I see in front of me is the strongest, bravest, most incredible woman I’ve ever known. I couldn’t imagine experiencing a fraction of what you’ve gone through alone.”
ChapterThirty-Six
My chest feels like it’s been split wide open as I look down at a still speechless Violet. Tears keep spilling from her glassy, glacier blue eyes. It infuriates me, the thought that she’s been carrying this alone for so long.
I don’t care that she had an abortion, that’s her choice, and she did the best she could with it. But the fact that this is why that dark look has passed over her face countless times in the short time we’ve been back with her makes me rage.
It ends now.
I slowly slide my other hand around her neck and squeeze until her pulse races against my fingers. “If you feel as though you need punishment, come to me and I’ll give it to you. But you will not continue to punish yourself for this.” Her eyes flare as my fingers tighten. “Understood?”
“Yes,” she answers quietly as she goes lax in my arms.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me, holding her as she cries. Cody joins us, surrounding her in our love and shielding her from the guilt. We don’t release her until Blake walks over with a glass of water.
Her hand shakes as she accepts it from him and drinks it in one go. As she sets the glass down, Cody pulls her down onto his lap. Tears fill his eyes as they speak to each other quietly.
Now it’s my turn to look out the window and think. My parents will be so happy to have Violet back in our lives. Her story will break their hearts, but only because she felt so alone. My jaw tightens with the realization that I’m the reason things are this way.
“You good?” Blake asks, joining me.
“No.” I shake my head and look over at him. “I’m the reason she didn’t feel safe reaching out.”
