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And of course he’d done the same to Zara and was still trying to make it right. He wasn’t sure he could fix it, but he was going to try.
“It might have slipped out now and again. I won’t lie,” she said. “I’m not going to sit here and bullshit you with words that your father might not have said or felt. You know that. You’d know if it was the truth or not.”
Which he could appreciate from his mother. She was always a straight shooter. He supposed she had to be living with his father or she’d get walked all over.
“I would. So he told people that. In his sarcastic tone most likely.”
“Again, he might have a time or two. But I’d seen other people say he must be so proud of you and what you’ve done with your life. Or that you took a risk and left the area.”
“I’m sure Dad just loved hearing that.”
“And that sarcasm right there is exactly the same as your father’s had been for years. Maybe you should remember that in dealing with your future kids.”
She managed to snap him back into his place. “But I’m right, aren’t I?”
“No,” she said. “I’m sure there were times in the beginning that he was like that, but in the past few years when your name came up he wasn’t. He was softer.”
“Dad didn’t have a soft part on his body and you know it.”
“Ren, I was here and you weren’t. I wouldn’t lie to you. He was aging.Wewere aging. Sometimes you wake up and realize life has kicked you in the face and your teeth are loose and you’re like, oh shit, how did that happen and what caused it and time to find a dentist.”
He shook his head over the analogy. “He never tried to make it better.”
“No,” she said. “He didn’t and I didn’t push and should have. If he hadn’t died I believe he would have taken that step. With my prompting, but your father never did anything he didn’t want to do.”
“He didn’t,” he said. Ren knew that all too well too.
“In the past few years though, when your name came up, he’d get this look in his eyes. One that he missed you. People would say he must be proud and he’d softly or gruffly say yes and turn away.”
Ren didn’t want to believe that, though he’d seen that move on his father too. That when he was wrong or didn’t want anyone to know he might be sentimental over things, he’d lower his voice, say one word and turn his head, then change the subject.
“What is it you want me to say?” he asked. “We can’t go back in time and change anything.”
“No,” she said, her hand reaching out and patting his. “We can’t. I’m not asking you to do that. I’m not asking you to wipe away all those feelings you’ve had of your father either. There is a history there that can’t be undone by a few conversations.”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“The same with your history with Zara. A few conversations can’t clear the history. Or pave the way.”
Shit, she got him there. “I know. Good advice to have, but it’s only been a few weeks. I didn’t think we’d get where we are now so that is promising.”
“It’s the newness,” his mother said. “It’s like dating a new person. Everything is sunshine and roses, but then clouds come with the cold weather and those roses wilt. You have to figure out how to make sure they bloom again and again. You’re not there yet. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you are.”
“I’m not,” he argued.
“Maybe you aren’t. But keep it in the back of your head. Zara would be good to remember it too. And you might have to do that for her. That sweet tender soul of hers could be shattered if what happened last time happened again.”
“Meaning it’d be on me?” he asked. He was slowly losing the little bit of patience he had with this conversation.
“Not at all. It takes two for a relationship. Maybe she didn’t believe you enough back then. Maybe she thought she could change your mind. You were both young and learning your way in life. You’re adults now and that means no more pretty pink glasses in front of your eyes. For her either.”
“Point taken. I told her to get mad at me. She didn’t like it.”
“You can’t tell someone that. They have to feel it. She did for years. Or she was hurt. I don’t know if the anger came, but be warned it might at some point and you have to let her feel it.”
“I keep thinking it’s there and she won’t let it out.”
“And that might be the case too. Your father and I fought a lot.”
