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“We were never fucking friends,” I roar. “You were the love of my life.”
I flash back to the day after Nattie’s wedding... To the pain of watching her walk away on that goddamned beach.
I knew when I woke up next to her that morning, she was going to do it.
I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew it was coming.
The night before hadn’t been us coming back together, it was her saying goodbye with every touch. Every whispered word. But none of that prepared me for the pain of watching her walk away and not being able to stop it. “I got down on my knees and begged you not to destroy us. But you don’t seem to remember that.”
The pounding in my head grows stronger. “I got hurt, and all of a sudden, everything was better for you.”
I study her face. Black bags line her tired eyes.
She’s exhausted, and I’m being a dick, but I can’t stop now. “Why is that, Carys? Explain to me how my getting hurt fixed all our issues in your mind. Because it didn’t fix a damn thing for me. It fucked everything up even more.”
She gasps as if I slapped her.
“Leaving you on that beach was the most painful thing I thought I’d ever have to do. But I was wrong. Because every day after that, I had to wake up, knowing I was the reason we broke. And that pain grew each day. But I did it because I thought I was protecting you in the long run. I was okay with the pain because I was saving you from the hurt down the line.”
Her hands shake and grip the edge of the counter. “Just because I’m not sick this week doesn’t mean I won’t be next week, Cooper. The rest of my life will be about managing my lupus, and I didn’t want you to be stuck taking care of me.”
When she looks up, it’s with so much regret. “I knew...” She rubs her eyes and sighs. “I knew before you got hurt that I’d seriously fucked up. But I didn’t know how to fix it. And then we got the call. And we thought—” A sob gets caught in her throat, but she doesn’t cry. Instead, she walks slowly around the island until she’s standing next to me. Her hands frame my face, and I close my eyes and let myself just feel her for a minute.
“I knew before you got hurt, Cooper. But when we got the call, it broke me. I didn’t care who knew about us. All those months of being worried what everyone would think went flying out the window. I didn’t care how pissed any of them were. And let me tell you, Nattie and Aiden were furious. None of it mattered. I promised myself I’d do whatever it took to earn your forgiveness.”
This woman has no idea that I forgave her before I got on the plane after my sister’s wedding. That a part of me understood what she was trying to do. But a different part, a larger part, hasn’t gotten past the hurt of her throwing us away so easily.
Her thumb traces the scratch on my cheek before working its way up to my temple. It feels so damn good, I’m not sure I can even speak, but I force myself to try.
“Forgiving is the easy part, Carys. You’re forgiven. You did what you thought you needed to do. I forgive you.”
She runs her fingers through my hair, soothing the ever-present throb behind my eyes. “Then why, Coop? Why are you treating me like this?”
I give in and rest my hands on her waist. “Like what? Like I’m pissed?”
Her lip trembles in response, and I feel like a dick as she nods her head.
“Because Iampissed. I’m fucking furious that you gave up on us. I’m mad you didn’t trust me. I’m angry Linc’s dead, and I can’t believe Axel’s a fucking traitor. And I can’t believe—” I cut myself off and stare over her shoulder.
But she’s not having it. Carys brings my face back to hers. “What? You can’t believewhat?” she pushes.
I drag in a deep breath and fist her shirt in my hands. “I can’t believe I was discharged.”
“What does that mean?” she asks, confused.
“When the building fell... my head...” I stand, needing space, but Carys doesn’t budge. Her arms circle my waist as she lays her head over my heart.
I hesitate, then wrap my arms around her and lean my chin on the top of her hair. “It messed with my vision. And the Navy is strict with what’s acceptable. I no longer fall inside those parameters. I can no longer be a SEAL.”
And I’m not sure how long that’s going to take to sink in.
“Oh my God, Cooper.”My heart breaks wide open.
As long as I’ve known this man, being a SEAL has been his dream. I tighten my hold on him as I soak his shirt with my tears. “I’m so sorry.”
His hand runs over my hair and down my back. “I’m alive. That’s more than Linc got. I’m also walking, which is more than Trick can do right now.” He stiffens. “Don’t cry for me, Carys. I’ll be fine. But I’m fucking angry.”
I made it all worse, and I’m not sure if I can fix it.
