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It’s seared into my brain. Forever. The dress she wore, her warm smile, the white wine spritzer in her small hand, long brown hair that smelled like oranges. It was the night that I’d fallen in love with her. It was the same night I found out I’d never get the chance to make her mine, a jagged pill I’ve had to swallow so many times over the past six years, it’s pretty much shredded my insides. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if we had never met.
I’ve loved, I’ve lost…too many times to count…and I’ve never even spoken the damn words.
But now I’m on the path. I’m about to the live the dream, create a future for myself, and do all the things I never thought would be possible for an orphaned kid who was bounced around too many foster homes to count and sang in the darkness to chase away the monsters at night.
For that kid, this is living, right?
Except, it feels a little like a death sentence if I’m being honest. Winning this competition means one thing: I lose Steph forever. If I couldn’t have her the way I craved, at least I could still have her friendship. But after leaving her, after ignoring her attempts to reach out, after winning this competition? I’ve effectively ruined that, too. I’m sure her parents are thrilled for me, though. And nothing can erase from my memory the toxic words that have haunted me since the night before I left for LA.
Bobby can’t fuck up Stephanie’s life anymore if he’s on the other side of the country. Let’s hope he wins this thing and it keeps him far away from here.
It’s why I pulled away from Stephanie’s kiss. And it’s when I knew I could never come back.
