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Katarina
“Happy birthday to us! Happy birthday to us! Happy birthday, happy birthday….happy birthday to us!”
Lili groans when I bounce on her bed with a heaping tray of her favorite breakfast foods. “What time is it?” she says in a groggy voice. Her eyes open a crack and then shut again. “Wait, I don’t want to know. Don’t answer. I’m going back to sleep.”
I put the tray on the nightstand and snuggle up next to my sister. “How can you sleep? It’s our sixteenth birthday! We’re going to have such an amazing day! And the party tomorrow night?” I let out a squeal. “Oh my God, it’s going to be epic!”
Lili flips over and glares at me. “I’d love to be excited at this ungodly hour, and I would be if my darling sister hadn’t woken me up at two a.m. when she finally decided to sneak back into the house after slutting it up with her boyfriend.”
I giggle and reach out to tickle her underarms. That always gets her. She tries to keep a straight face, but it’s impossible. It’s her trigger, and I use it whenever I need to wiggle back into her good graces. “Oh, come on, don’t be mad! We were just doing a little pre-birthday celebrating, that’s all!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t need details. Especially in the middle of the freaking night!”
“You could have pretended to be asleep.”
“You could have not stomped around like an elephant when you got home.”
“Oh! You did not just call me an elephant!”
I dig my fingers in until she’s gasping for air. “Kat! St-stop!” she rasps. “I can’t br-breathe!” Now we’re both hysterical, and it’s already the perfect start to our special day.
“Listen, I made you all of your favorite foods! I’m trying to make it up to you, okay? Don’t be mad at me,” I say in a sing-song voice, wiggling my fingers at her. “You know what I’ll do if you don’t forgive me! Say it! Come on!”
Lili shoves herself away from me and lets out a yelp as she tumbles onto the carpet. “Stay away from me with those evil fingers!”
I let out a wicked chuckle and inch closer to her. “You’d better say it or else!”
She chuckles and rolls even farther away, grabbing her robe. “Fine! I give! You win!”
“Say it! Say I’m forgiven and that I’m the best sister you could have ever asked for!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Lili rounds the bed and makes a grab for the tray. “You’re forgiven.”
“And?”
“You’re the best, okay?” She rolls her eyes and grabs a slice of whole wheat toast. It’s the only kind of bread we have, so I made sure to slather it in butter and strawberry jelly. She loves it that way but never gives in to the temptation. She’s so disciplined. But today, she needs to live a little. I’m thinking pizza for dinner, too…
Me? I eat whatever the hell I want when I want it. If my gymnastics leotard busts open, I’ll just get a new one.
“Mmm,” she mumbles, shoving the rest of the slice into her mouth. “God, that’s good.”
I beam. “I knew you’d love it!”
She chews for a minute, eyeing me in a way that tells me she has something on her mind other than my fabulous birthday breakfast buffet. “What’s it like to be in love?”
My eyes pop open wide. “Oh, um…” I tilt my head to the side, thinking about my answer. “Well, it’s a little hard to explain. I never really thought about how to describe it before.”
“Try,” she says, her blue eyes focused on my face. “I really want to know.”
“I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but…” I think for a second and my lips instinctively curl upward. “It’s impossible not to smile when I think of Remy. When he’s around me, there’s a fluttery feeling right here that never goes away.” I rub a hand over my belly and take a deep breath. “Everything tingles when he kisses me. And when he’s gone, I feel cold all over, like something is missing. And when he’s back, I’m warm again. Cozy. Happy.” I shrug. “Does that sound really stupid?”
“No,” Lili whispers, a faraway smile on her face. “It’s really sweet. So unlike you.” She makes a face and ducks just before the throw pillow I hurl at her makes contact with her head. “I’d like to find a guy who makes me feel like that. Maybe someday.”
But that someday never came. That conversation was the last one we’d had about love…the last we’d ever have.
I haven’t felt those things since.
And I don’t know if I ever will because it would mean I’d have to give someone a fighting chance to make me feel them.
