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Still, I pictured Jay when he touched me. Held my breath and imagined it was Jay when he was inside of me. I kept my eyes closed and lived in a fantasy land until he collapsed on top of me two minutes later.
As soon as he fell asleep, I left. He called me at least a dozen times in the following days. Sent me flowers at the office and sweet text messages before finally giving up. I couldn’t even bring myself to let him down easy. I ignored him until he went away.
He wasn’t Jay. He never would be. There was no reason to pretend. It would only cause us both pain in the end, and I was living with enough as it was.
“Don’t worry,” he pushes the band of my pants over my hips and releases them to pool at my feet, “I’ll go slow.”
“I don’t know if I can handle slow,” I hear myself confess.
I’m already on edge, ready to explode. I felt what he was packing when he had me against the door. I’m going to come undone from anticipation the second he pushes inside of me.
“Thank God.” He lets out an exasperated sigh as he begins fumbling with his own pants, his lips still pressed against mine. “I’m not going to last much longer.”
As soon as his pants are shed, left in only his boxer briefs, Jay begins carefully but quickly picking up the mess we left on the bed. Once everything is stacked neatly on the desk, he extends his hand to me, and I place mine in his. The second our fingers connect, he pulls my body to his and captures my lips again.
The fire inside of me sparks and roars back to life as if it’s been an hour instead of a minute since I felt his touch.
He walks us backwards toward the bed, and once we reach it, he gently lays me down on top of the blanket, crawling over me to cover my body with his. We stay like this for a while, our kisses heating up and then slowing down, hands wandering, exploring, bodies rubbing against each other.
Jay rolls so I’m on top of him, straddling his waist. The second I’m seated on top of him, I grind my hips and watch his eyes roll to the back of his head as he lets out a long growl.
“You can’t do that again unless you’re ready for us to lose the rest of our clothes. I won’t survive.”
My only response is to grind against him again, this time slower. Once. Twice. The third time, his hands fly to my hips. Gripping and guiding my body as I continue to grind against him.
I can feel my body reacting to his. I was already close, and every time I slide forward, I get closer. My body is strung so tight it’s going to break at any moment. Shatter into a million pieces.
“Best torture ever,” Jay whispers beneath me. His eyes are closed but he’s still helping me rock my body up and down his.
“Jay.” His name comes out as a plea. I need him. I need more.
A devious smirk grows as he lifts his hips, pressing into my core as I grind against him again. His dimple is winking at me as he does it again. Once more, this time as he opens his eyes, and I fall apart on top of him, my body slumping forward as little orgasmic aftershocks rip through me.
Jay doesn’t stop his torturous assault. He flips us over, spreads my legs, and presses his impressive length against my core again and again until he finds his own release moments later.
The only sounds in the room are from the ticking clock on the wall and our labored breathing as we lay side by side, attempting to catch our breath.
Staring up at the ceiling, I count to ten and then back to one, breathing in and out slowly. My heart is pounding so hard against my ribcage it feels like it’s attempting to escape. And I know exactly where it would go.
To find the man I’ve been trying to forget the last five years.
The one man who’s owned my heart since I first met him.
Jay takes my hand in his and laces our fingers together. We lay in silence as our bodies come down from the high. I’m afraid to speak, to ruin the moment we just shared. Worried we’ve crossed a line we can’t jump back over.
You don’t want to jump back over that line. This is what you’ve always wanted.
My damn subconscious is right. Again. I like being on this side of the line. It’s where I’ve dreamt of being. In Jay’s arms. In his life. In his heart.
One of those things has happened now. The other two are still to be determined. We have a couple of long, emotional days to get through. Days that will constantly remind us of the past. Of the person we both loved. The reason we couldn’t be together.
Had I moved into my apartment earlier …
Had he not given in to her charm so easily …
Had she never met Spencer …
There are a million what-if scenarios I could throw at the universe, but they don’t matter one bit. The simple truth is that I was late to the party. She met him first.
