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I idolized my parents growing up. I wanted what they had. Compared to some parents, they seemed perfect. They loved each other and weren't afraid to show it. A little bit too much sometimes. I can remember wanting to gag on more than one occasion.
That didn't stop my dad from cheating on my mom.
It didn't stop my mom from filing for divorce.
And it didn't stop me from cutting them both out of my life while they battle this out because I refuse to take sides.
No one knows any of this, though. Because I don't want to ruin the high my friends have. So I've internalized everything the past two months, cried myself to sleep more times than I can count, and perfected my fake smile.
I feel the prickle of tears building in my eyes before I have the chance to push down my emotions. I'm normally better at controlling them than this. Especially when I'm not alone. It feels like I've been riding an emotional rollercoaster that doesn't want to end.
Slowly inhaling, I hold my breath, count to five, and then exhale even slower. I repeat the process a few more times, but I can still feel the tears threatening to fall, so I step away from the crowd in search of refuge.
There's really nowhere to hide here. The Palmers’ backyard is crowded. This is by far the largest gathering I've been to here, and new people are showing up all the time. As soon as one person leaves, it feels like two more people show up in their place.
It's not that I don't like crowds, or parties, or people... I just wasn't prepared for this today. And with the way I'm feeling, I should probably get out of here before someone sees me break down. It's inevitable at this point. I've been able to hide it from Alexis the last few months, in large part due to the fact she's been so focused on Micah that it was easy to conceal.
With classes starting, it's going to be tougher.
We'll return to our normal routine. I hope, anyway. Spending more time together during the week than we have been. Studying in our suite. Theme nights with Willow and Kendall.
If I'm going to have a major breakdown, let myself feel everything I've been feeling, it needs to be tonight. Before Alexis gets home. So tomorrow I can wake up and put all this pain behind me.
Crying over it doesn't do me any good anyway.
I'm smarter than this. I know better than to let my emotions control me.
So that's my game plan.
I'm going to let it all out as soon as I get home and then let it all go.
Tomorrow is the start of a brand-new day, a new school year, and a new Piper. One who isn't focused on how to make her parents proud at every turn. Because at the end of the day, I know the only person I need to answer to is myself.
Max's eyes land on mine and hold my gaze for a brief second, causing me to pause in my retreat. As soon as he looks away, I bolt behind the pool house, pressing my back against the solid wood frame, and close my eyes. Praying I was able to slip away unnoticed.
Cheers ring out when Max finishes his speech, and then the voices dull to a low murmur as someone cranks up the music.
Ten minutes.
That's all I'm giving myself.
I have ten minutes to wallow in self-pity, and then I'm going to pull my shit together, fix my face, and make a quick exit. Hopefully without anyone questioning me. I've felt invisible so far anyway. I doubt my presence will be missed.
Willow and Finn are settled into a lounger by the pool where they've taken up residency. Much to Max's dismay. I caught him glaring at Finn. He may seem okay with their relationship, but I have a feeling he still doesn't like to see certain aspects of it.
Kendall and Declan are in the water, barely acknowledging anyone else outside their private little bubble.
Even my own best friend has barely said two words to me today. She gave me a hug when I first walked in and then was pulled away to talk to Micah's parents. I didn't even have time to tell her how much I loved her shirt before she walked away, smiling at Micah as if the world revolved around him.
Screw it.
Screw relationships.
Screw love.
"Hiding from someone?"
Or maybe I'm not as invisible as I thought I was.
